How Often Does Your Adult Child Call Home?

A recent Talker Research poll indicates that more than half of parents of young adults (age 18 to 28) who have moved away from home, expect a daily text from their kids and almost half expect a daily phone call. While the sample size is relatively small (1000 parents, mostly Gen X moms).

I found these results surprising. When I was in college, I called home maybe a couple times a month (more if I was struggling or needed advice). My own children called home maybe once a week on average.

So (in what I now see as possibly an ironic twist) I called my mom to get her take. I wanted to see if my memories matched hers and also to get her thoughts on why things may have changed.  To my surprise, she was not at all surprised.

She gave several possible explanations: the world is a more dangerous place today (my response: it just seems so because of our 24/7 access and obsession with the news – I’ve researched the data); the rise in school shootings has us all on edge (well, yes); and it is easier today to be in touch more regularly (absolutely).

I had overlooked this last point. When I was in college, my friends and I called home from a payphone, either using a calling card or making a collect call (which mom or dad would refuse, then call back). Back then, phone calls were charged per minute. Talking to family back hoe was a costly endeavor.

My oldest went to college with a cell phone (not a smart phone). Oue plan had unlimited talk between phones on our plan and we decided to spring for a text plan (which allowed a limited number per month before an additional charge was tacked on). Keeping in touch was cheaper, but still had a cost. I learned to look for subtle signs of “proof of life,” such as indications she had been online each day. This became easier when the old folks were allowed to join Facebook, and she agreed to be my “friend.” My youngest convinced me to join Snapchat, and then BeReal (where she is still one of my three friends).

But even as technology made it easier, it never occurred to me to expect my kids to be in frequent touch. With each of them as they entered college, I told them that I would give them their space, that at least at first, I wouldn’t reach out so they would have time to adjust and make friends. I told them I would always be available and they should call whenever they wanted or needed to. (I did change these guidelines after a few 11 pm phone calls “just to chat.”)

According to this study, parents today expect to interact with their kids more often. Among Gen X parents, 41 percent expect a daily phone call, and 55 percent a daily text. 15 percent of them hear from them via text. While their expectations aren’t quite being met, 15 percent of GenX parents do get a daily call, text, chat or social media contact, and 20 percent hear from their kids multiple times a day. In addition, about 30 percent of these parents expect to see their children at least once a week and around 20 percent expect to see them at least once a month.  (Here too some were disappointed as about 20 percent of parents have weekly or monthly visits; and just 11 percent see their kids every day.)

Phone calls are the number one method of staying in touch (70 percent), closely followed by texting (67 percent), then in-person visits at 40 percent. Not surprisingly, younger parents report more tech use to stay in touch with their adult children than those in the Baby Boomer generation.

Social media has made it much easier to stay in touch; parents regularly share memes, photos, etc. and report that it makes them feel closer. Parents are more likely to be the one to initiate contact, and curiously, the older the parent, the less likely they are to expect daily calls or texts from their child.

I suppose one might worry that we are raising a generation that is too dependent, but perhaps it’s something else. The parents I’ve spoken with all genuinely miss their kids. Yes, they worry, but they have strong relationships based on common interests and mutual respect.  They talk to their kids because they WANT to. They are genuinely interested in each other’s’ lives; there is no sense of obligation here. Yes, our new adults say and do goofy things as they learn to navigate, but so did we, just without the microscope of the internet on us. This may be a GOOD thing – as parents, we’ve moved beyond being the authority to the “friendzone” (meant in the best possible way).