How to Survive Vacationing with Your Teen

We work hard all year and look forward to taking time off. We may have vision boards with sandy beaches or mountain retreats, with families sitting around fire pits or playing games around a large table. We count down the days to cozy family time, where everyone is smiling through long hikes, enjoying new foods and settling into strange beds for a restful night’s sleep. We plan out days of activities, and we imagine how happy and appreciative our family is going to be about all the time and effort we put into the planning.

Then things get real. I thought I had planned out the perfect vacation. I rented an Airbnb in a popular resort area, planned sightseeing, and pre-purchased a package to save some money. One of the activities in this package was time at a kitchy arcade. I saw it as a fun, low-key day that everyone would enjoy, a balance to an otherwise busy schedule. I announced the plan for the day and everyone moaned. The complaints were different, but the effect was the same. I’m not proud of it, but I threw a tantrum. I felt unappreciated, and soon they all knew it. They sheepishly agreed to go and we ultimately had a fun day, but there was a lingering cloud. The worst part was that had I shared the plan with everyone in advance, or even better, asked their input, this all could have been avoided. Once they realized that this was important to me and why, they were much more cooperative. Looking back, there were other things I wish I did differently.

Talk about everyone’s expectations before you leave home

Remind teens that the rules may be loosened, but there will still be rules. Yes, vacations are supposed to be relaxing, but if everyone is free to do whatever they want in the moment, no one will have fun. Share your vision of the trip and ask what your teen expects. Discuss the plans. Will the vacation entail family time, all the time, or will there be times when the group can split up? Will everyone have to participate in every activity? If not, will the non-participants be expected to patiently watch what others are doing or will there be other options? Knowing these things in advance may prevent blowups from happening. This discussion may also introduce new possibilities that the vacation planner hadn’t considered (or even known about).

When possible, let them have a say in activities

As kids get older, they want to have some level of control over what they do. Allowing them to choose some activities (or maybe plan a single day of the trip) not only increases the odds that you will have an engaged, happy teen rather than a sullen, angry one, it also increases the possibility that he or she will desire to go on later family trips (assuming that you want this). With a family of six, I have found that it is sometimes difficult to find activities that engage everyone. Sometimes, it is easier to convince our teens to go along with what one person wants when they know they will have a turn as well.

Allow them to go off on their own

If your teens are mature enough to go to the mall or other public place on their own at home, they can handle some independent time on vacation. Set limits and require them to check in regularly (these will vary depending on the safety of the destination). While I was reluctant to admit my kids were capable of this, I’ve learned that many trips sponsored by schools and youth groups are lightly chaperoned, with several hours going by between check-ins or in some cases an entire day. If they can manage that responsibility with others, they can manage it with you.

Let them stay in sometimes

Sometimes, no matter how much you plan, your teen will simply do not want to go do things with the family. Maybe you are leaving too early in the day for them, or the planned activity seems uninteresting. Even if you are certain that they will regret it, leaving them behind is sometimes the only way to ensure everyone else will have fun. (It is also a way for them to learn that they will be missing out if they choose to stay behind.) Let them know the boundaries (for example, stay in the hotel room, or only go to the pool, etc.) and make sure they know who to contact in case of emergency. Your hotel room or rental is your home while on vacation. If they can be trusted to stay home alone, it makes sense that they can be trusted there.

Remember that they are still kids

Teenagers are stuck in the middle. They are not quite adults, but no longer children. They are struggling to find their place and figuring out how they should behave. Vacations are a time to relax and let go of the rigid structure of everyday life. They are often filled with novel experiences and activities that are designed to be fun. Many teens are too serious and almost disdainful about “childish things.” But sometimes, a more relaxed atmosphere can make teens forget that how they are “supposed” to act, allowing some silliness to come through. Let them be silly. Encourage it even. Above all, don’t point it out or poke fun at them. Remember that the goal of vacation is fun.