feminism

The Year of the Women

~ Kimberly Yavorski ~ 2 Comments

A year ago we could sense it coming. Though it looks very different than we anticipated, this has been the Year of the Women. It is very possible that what we are seeing today will be remembered in history books as a “revolution” of sorts.

Many expected to wake up the second Wednesday in November to news that the United States had elected its first female president. Some were shocked, confused and sad that this was not the case. However, that day did mark a big change: last year’s presidential election started a movement, the like of which I have not seen in my lifetime. Women, long a significant force in numbers, made the collective decision to work together to make a difference.

The days following the election saw a flurry of activity. Plans were made to hold a Women’s March to make a statement. Though not everyone had all the same goals, and many observers missed the point of these gatherings (that, as it turned out, occurred not just in the U.S. but around the world ), hundreds of thousands of women made it known that they would no longer sit idly by and watch bad decisions being made. Instead they determined to be a force of change.

Though the steps have been small, there are indications that some progress has been made. After decades of women standing up to discrimination and even assault, we are now seeing some changes. Proposed policies seen as anti-family have been blocked. More people are now believing women when they say they were mistreated. Predators are finally seeing repercussions for their actions. Things like the “casting couch” are longer seen as an acceptable method of conducting “business as usual.”

More women have stepped up to say, “Enough.” They are speaking up and refusing to accept the status quo any longer. There has been an almost imperceptible shift in attitude. I am seeing less tolerance of judging a person on their clothing or appearance. Discriminatory language is being called out and curtailed. Men in particular are starting to not only listen but also to join voices against discrimination.

This is different from other movements though, in that while the overriding issue is Women’s Rights, there is a significant overlap with other issues. Perhaps this is due to a recognition that our lives overlap and intersect those of others. Women are fighting not just for themselves, but for those who cannot or who struggle to fight for themselves. In some cases, it is because women often bear the brunt of the effects,in others, it is simply the right, the human thing to do .

Hollywood also is starting to acknowledge the power of women. We are starting to see more women in major roles and they are delivering at the box office (Hello, Wonder Woman!). Women over the age of 30 today have lucrative acting careers. Women are starting their own companies and getting more involved in politics,  both financially (donating in record numbers this year) and through running for office.

This shift in society is subtle but promising. Like most significant change, it comes with upheaval. It requires a different way of thinking. Change is a constant in life. Society is always evolving. The world is very different than it was only a couple generations ago, yet in some ways very much the same. We are both more independent and interdependent than we have ever been before. Working together is our best option. It looks like women are leading the way.

The Truth About Femininity – It’s Not What You Think it Is

~ Kimberly Yavorski ~ 4 Comments

old-woman-1077121_1920 crop A fellow writer put out a challenge for March: to “Spring into Femininity.” She has the goal to write daily about femininity. The challenge is to see our femininity, to acknowledge it and to make it work in our lives. Though I don’t plan to write daily about this, I am intrigued by the concept and want to explore my thoughts and feelings about the word and the meaning behind it.

Merriam-Webster defines femininity as “the quality or nature of the female sex.” The Oxford Living Dictionary definition differs slightly: “Qualities or attributes regarded as characteristic of women.” And Urban Dictionary gives us: “Feminine means ‘What pertains to a woman.’ There are no qualifications. Whatever a woman does is feminine, because they are a woman, and they are doing something that pertains to them.” They then go on to add, “The only thing that can really be called “feminine” are ovaries.”

Of course this is not what most people are thinking when they use the word feminine. If pressed to come up with synonyms, most people would use words such as soft, delicate, gentle, and dainty.

But these words don’t really work. Think about women’s role throughout time. The one thing that women can do that men cannot is give birth. Anyone who has been through or witnessed this knows that this experience is difficult and painful and frequently includes sounds and actions that would be seen by most as very “un-ladylike.”

washing-41825_1280Consider jobs that are traditionally seen as “women’s work.” Though smart men do not dare to use this term today, think of the daily lives of our great-grandmothers and great-great-grandmothers. I think it is safe to say that most of them spent their days at hard manual labor: scrubbing – floors, clothing, dishes; hauling – wood, water; and preparing meals (which may have included harvesting and slaughtering). This was all done while also making sure that their children survived to adulthood. Are you picturing a dainty, delicate damsel in distress here?

While I was a child who hated all things “girly,” I grew into a teen who appreciated her softer side and actually enjoyed opportunities to put on a pretty dress. While my early experiences with feminism made me believe that the movement was anti-men and therefore not something I wanted any part of, I have grown to see that true feminism benefits us all.

As defined, femininity is complex, as women (and men for that matter) are. We are much more than what we wear, say or do. We can be both tough and soft, both strong and vulnerable, both adventurous and refined, just not all at the same time.

I think this will be an interesting topic to ponder this month. I hope it will start a conversation. I, for one, am starting to think about it differently already.

Are We on the Cusp of a New Sexual Revolution?

~ Kimberly Yavorski

100_7698The viral reactions to recent news has been unusual to say the least, resulting in a an uproar across the internet. Last week the big story was the child who ended up in a gorilla enclosure at a zoo. People were quick to blame: the mom and the zoo were both the subject of several scathing articles, talking about incompetence and negligence. This week’s viral commentary stems from the news about the college athlete sentenced to a mere 6 months in a county jail for a crime that would have sent many others to spend 14 years in a state prison. Many have written a response to the story itself, as well as to a statement made by the victim and another made by the father of the perpetrator.

The event in question happened over a year ago, and the accounts are horrific. The victim’s statement is a lengthy essay and tells what she remembers of the night and the months that followed. The letter written by the father of the convicted laments how this sentence is a “steep price to pay for 20 minutes of action” and that his son has been “broken and shattered” by the verdict. He then goes on to say that his son can better help society by educating others about “the dangers of alcohol consumption and sexual promiscuity.”

Wow.

Though I can understand that this man is justifiably crushed by the events (after all, who wants to see their child on trial for atrocities and then facing time in a cell), I am utterly baffled at the fact that he seems to have no concern at all for the victim or her family. I understand that this young man is very likely less cheerful and experiencing ”fear and anxiety.” As a parent, I understand the desire to try to relieve these emotions and having to cope with one’s own fear of what such emotions can lead to. What I don’t understand is how anyone could think that the actions that led to this sentence are okay, that there is any possible justification for what happened, or how this can in any way be considered a “steep price.”

Regardless of whether this young man has violent tendencies or if this was a one-time lapse in judgement, he needs to accept responsibility for his actions. He should be treated no differently from anyone else. The fact that he is a star athlete from an elite university should be irrelevant. To be honest, I think that given his privilege, more, not less should be expected of him. As a well-educated person (we are talking about a student at Stanford), he should understand that actions have consequences.

There are some good people in this story.

Two grad students who saw what was happening, put a stop to it and held him until the authorities arrived. We need more people to step in, to pay attention, to speak up. Was no one else around? Could this have been prevented? Some will have us believe that the answer is yes, if there was no alcohol involved, if the victim had dressed and behaved differently. What about self-control, decency, good manners? We need to teach our children from a young age that it is not okay to touch people who don’t want to be touched. To recognize any signs that their actions are making another person uncomfortable. To realize when someone is incapacitated and cannot make a rational decision. This situation is horrific and to trivialize it is unacceptable.

I am hopeful that a change is coming. I am seeing more young men demonstrating an awareness that they cannot assume a woman wants sexual attention, unless she explicitly says so. Buying her drinks or dinner does not entitle one to anything but a thank you at the end of the evening. However, the old way of thinking persists. There are still men who are being told that the world is theirs for the taking, that they can have anything they want, and that women are there for their pleasure.  There is still also the idea that sex is something that should not be discussed. Talking about it is somehow seen as being promiscuous. How then can consent be determined?

Since these “standards” are ingrained in society, this change in thought process is tricky. Though I do not believe that how a woman choses to dress or if she chooses to have a drink indicates her willingness to submit to a man’s wishes, I have had to have the conversation with each of my daughters as they went off to college to watch out for themselves. I told them to not go out alone, to be careful to not drink too much. I cautioned them that alcohol makes it more difficult to get that “no” across, that if they were drunk, they might not be taken seriously, that it increases the likelihood that they might be taken advantage of. I am very aware of the unfairness of my having to have this conversation at all. A woman should be able to go out and have fun without worrying that someone stronger than she might force her into a situation where she might fear bodily harm. She shouldn’t have to dress in baggy sweats or constantly look over her shoulder, concerned that her mere appearance can make a boy lose self-control.

My girls listened politely, then basically shrugged me off. They are strong, independent women, and they assured me they would be fine. They could take care of themselves. I agreed with them, but asked them to be careful anyway and to make sure they went out as part of a group, and made sure to leave no one behind. There is strength in numbers.

Most women have a story to tell

I am thankful that I have no survival stories to tell, but I have had my share of uncomfortable moments. One night at a party at my then-boyfriend’s fraternity, he left me for a few minutes in a very crowded room. While waiting for him to return, a rather large guy (think linebacker large) asked me to dance. I politely said no, and mentioned that my boyfriend would be right back. He persisted and ultimately got ahold of my hand, attempting to pull me closer. Apparently, someone noticed this, and before I knew what was happening, he was surrounded by a group of guys from the fraternity, who escorted him out of the building. My boyfriend returned, saw a ruckus outside and asked me what had happened. I told him and assured him it was all taken care of, there was no need to pursue it further. This story had a happy ending, but it could have gone another direction. I was fortunate to be in a relationship with someone there and that one of his friends read the situation and decided to intervene. This is just one example of “what if … things had gone differently.”

Another time, I let a guy buy me a beer, which made him think that he had purchased a tonsil-swapping, pelvis grinding night on the dance floor and beyond. (He quickly discovered his mistake and was soon making a spectacle with someone else.) Other times, I have been ridiculed for saying no, for making it clear, in no uncertain terms, what the limits were, for not being “easy” (and therefore being “new” or “frigid” or a “tease”).  I have been lucky that my circumstances weren’t different, that I was not alone someplace with someone bigger and stronger than I who could and would force the issue. Not every girl is as fortunate. I recognize this and have made a conscious effort to not allow myself to be put in a position where I may not have a choice. I have then had to pass this advice on to my daughters – men can be trusted, until they can’t, so always be aware.

I have been catcalled and otherwise objectified, had my behind pinched and fondled, and have had very suggestive, very public comments made by men who did not know me. Most women I know have experienced at least some of the same. Complaining about these events has often resulted in being told that we are “too sensitive,” or “too serious,” or that these men were just “showing appreciation.”

The term “rape culture” has been tossed around a lot in recent years and I will admit that I have had a tendency to downplay the idea. I guess I had accepted the status quo, that this is the way things have always been and will be. I don’t live in fear, but sometimes in states of heightened awareness. But what if I didn’t have to? There seems to be a growing awareness that there is a problem, which may be the first step in solving it.

In recent years, I have seen that there is a trend on college campuses to address the problem, in the form of sexual assault awareness programs, much like the widespread alcohol awareness programs which are meant to be  preemptive in nature.  Some colleges are now requiring incoming students to complete awareness training for both sexual and alcohol abuse . These online and small group sessions explain what constitutes sexual harassment and abuse, talk about consent, and encourage bystanders to take action when they see inappropriate behavior. Someone who is drunk cannot give consent. That message is beginning to get out.  Are we on the cusp of a new revolution? One that engenders respect?  One can only hope.

Why I Was Late to the Sisterhood

~ Kimberly Yavorski

100_9209Facebook informed me that today is International Women’s Day, much in the same way it announces other “special” days (I have more to say on this, but that will be the subject of a separate post). I saw several posts celebrating women and talking about this year’s call: “Pledging for Parity.” Maybe it is the fact that it is a big political year, but it seems to me that posts on this topic are more frequent, repeatedly causing me to think about my own feelings about gender relations.

I recently wrote about my coming to grips with being a feminist, but this morning my ponderings went a different direction. I thought about how I am a relative newcomer to the sisterhood, that unlike many young women today, I grew up with few female friends and never belonged to a group, complete with a cute name, such as the Fabulous Five or the Stupendous Seven.

When I was very young in fact, most of my friends were boys. This was in part due to the demographics of my neighborhood, but also because I had no interest in “girly things.” In fact, I was rather snobbish in my disdain for frilly clothes and makeup. The boys played outside and were more accepting. I don’t remember a boy ever calling me bossy; plenty of the girls did.Things were simple and where you stood was obvious. Like all kids, I sometimes disagreed with my friends, but with the boys, it never felt like a fight; issues didn’t linger and fester. Things usually resolved themselves, most of the time rather quickly.

As I approached tweendom, I changed my mind about the clothes and makeup, but still distrusted groups of girls, finding them cliquish and gossipy. I had no desire to be part of a group that said that some people had to stay on the outside. I believed this about these girls (looking back, with little to no evidence that it was true) and distanced myself. I wanted no part of a group that was all girls, and none of the traditional activities for girls (such as dance or cheerleading) interested me.

This is not to say I had no girlfriends. I had a few, but for the most part, time spent was one-on-one, not in groups. At this point, the boy friends dropped off (lest they be referred to as boyfriends) and I felt no need to increase my social circle and compromise my values. I had a few close friends, that was enough.

This didn’t really change until I became a mom. The first few years were isolating. When our oldest started school and we got involved in our local community, I realized what I had been missing. I found my village. Before I knew what had happened, I was swapping birth stories with strangers, as well as tips and struggles about parenting. Many “me toos” later, I realized I had joined a sisterhood. As my children and I have grown, those relationships have grown as well, to the point where I have several friends who are as close as family. I can honestly say I don’t know how I would have coped with the challenges life has thrown me without these women by my side.

Now I look at young women and almost wish I had discovered the concept of this sisterhood sooner. I know that their relationships will change over time, and some friendships will not last, but it must be nice to have a group who can say they knew you “back when.” I watch them gathering as they get older. Their interests and activities have changed, but the giggling and affection (and even a bit of the competitiveness) is the same.

Though shared history is a glue that can hold people together, having similar experiences can work in the same way. I find that even growing up in different places and sometimes slightly different times, some things were just the same: fashions in hair and clothing, school experiences, navigating the social waters as an adolescent and figuring out (to use today’s terminology) how “to adult.” I have found that the sisterhood is not as exclusive as I once thought.Though I am late to the party, I have been welcomed and now am happy to be here.

A Reluctant Feminist

~ Kimberly Yavorski ~ 3 Comments

IMG_7542I have an uncomfortable relationship with feminism. It has sort of grown up with me. As a young girl, I saw women taking the stage, speaking forcefully, making themselves heard and refusing to sit down. While this is in part admirable, I found their demeanor often offensive. The feminists of my youth struck me as being men haters, as rebelling against an oppressive force, as rejecting femininity. They seemed to imply that if you liked traditional girl things and roles, that you were somehow less in their eyes. The message was that men only wanted to rule and control women and that we should rebel.

This made no sense to me. I simply did not feel that oppression. I have always really liked men. The men in my life told me that I could do anything, that my career choices were only limited by my own motivation and ambition. Yes, I saw that women earned less and were less represented in high paying careers, but believed that these things would be overcome.

Those early feminists also seemed to take every courtesy as an affront. The act of a man holding a door open was interpreted as “He thinks I am too weak to do this myself.” Offering a hand or arm to hold was saying “You are fragile and childlike.” Paying for a meal or a movie indicated that a woman needed a man, that she could not do things on her own. I call BS on all of this and honestly resented those feminists for making a man question whether he could be polite and courteous to me. I think that they are responsible, in part, for the confusion we see in gender relations today.

I have always been one of those girls who was “just one of the guys.” I have been the only female in the room in more circumstances than I can count. The times when I have been made to feel insignificant or unimportant in their company has been rare. As a child, I had more male friends than female, due in part to neighborhood demographics. This naturally influenced my opinions on the war between the sexes. There is no war.

That is not to say that I haven’t seen sexism firsthand. I have. I have had male co-workers engage in conversations with my chest and talk to me as if I had no intellect at all. Or even a pediatrician who, when I asked him to repeat something I had not heard over my child’s crying (about the temperature of our water heater), telling me to just tell my husband, that “he would understand.” These instances however were rare and were more than balanced by the men I worked closely with every day who valued my skills and treated me as just another person.

When I quit my job to stay home with my kids, I felt ostracized. I was “Mommy-tracked” by those in power at my company (both men and women). With my job, it would have been possible to continue a professional relationship that would have been mutually beneficial, but I had committed an offense, I chose my children over my career. As time went on, the power brokers changed and the professional relationship was rebuilt, funny enough, by a man who respected both me and my work.

This is the main gripe I have with feminism. Life is not men versus women. When I left my editorial job, it was my choice. It was not something thrust upon me by a male-dominated industry (actually I would have liked to have seen them try such a thing). I did not do irreparable damage to womankind by choosing full time motherhood over a career in journalism. I think this is where feminism went wrong. I believe that having the choice is what matters, not which choice you may make.

I recently shared a post on Facebook in praise of women helping to empower other women. I was almost immediately chastised for this, as it was interpreted as women promoting other women, ONLY because they are women. I don’t believe this is the case at all. Women who work to support others are making things better for all. Too many women get caught up in the rush to the ceiling, scrambling over others in the process. For decades we have heard about the Mommy Wars, between working and stay at home moms. Then there is the great breast feeding debate, the co-sleeping debate and on and on.

When we acknowledge that we all want a better world and that not every solution is right for every person, we become stronger as a community. We should be making things easier for each other, not more difficult. If we were all leaders, who would follow? We need people who are willing to do different things, to take on different roles in order to survive as a society.

I still harbor that feeling of distrust for feminism, much to the dismay of my daughters. I am coming to understand that the feminism of today is different and we are seeing men declaring themselves feminists. Using the definition of feminism I have most recently seen, the belief that people should be treated the same without concern for which chromosomes they were born with, then yes, I guess I am a feminist.

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