When I Grow Up

When You Have Kids Young, 36 Feels Old

By Kimberly Yavorski February 6, 2017 midlife, writing challenges

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When my youngest started kindergarten, I was surprised to find at Back to School Night that I was still on the younger end of the parenting scale. I was 36; the median age was closer to 40. I say that I was an “old mom” because this was my fourth; for many other parents in the grade, this child was their first. Of course I didn’t realize the age differences right away. Some parents were obviously older than I was, others I couldn’t tell (and it’s not considered polite to introduce yourself with “Hi, I’m Kim. How old are you?”)

At first I thought it was just that particular class, but quickly discovered that many people my age had their first child around the same time I had my last. This created some interesting moments. Those who knew I had older children were surprised to find out how young I was, those who didn’t know were surprised to find out how old my other children were. No one ever asked, but I saw some eyebrows raise, as if to say, “Exactly how old were you when you had your first?”

Before I knew it, I had become the “go to” person for several other moms. I had already seen some of the tricky stages (my oldest was 15) and had survived to tell the tales. I found this idea rather amusing. I grew up believing that wisdom came with age; so it seemed odd to me that those who had been adults for up to a decade longer were asking me for parenting advice. I guess this was in part because I didn’t have fellow moms to guide me through the younger years; for the most part, my husband and I muddled through it alone. Sure I had my mom and my mother-in-law, but they were both over an hour away and things change with each generation. (Just ask an older pediatrician about how feeding guidelines have changed over the past 20 years.)

All moms have moments of loneliness, but having a child at 21 was tough. While I was home, not sleeping, changing diapers and wiping spit up from my hair, others my age were out, not sleeping, drinking and dancing (and wiping other unmentionables from their hair). At the time, I was much too consumed with my own life to give too much thought to what I was missing. Since I had little in common with others my age, we quickly fell out of touch. Looking back, it would have been nice to have been more social at that age, but if I could go back and change anything, having my first, this beautiful child, would not be one of them.

As a younger mom, I was invincible. I was too naïve to even consider all the bad things that could happen. I did worry: I made sure I knew where my kids were; I met parents before letting my kids go to a friend’s house; I kept them close when we went to the store; I checked to make sure they were all buckled in before pulling out of the driveway. But I didn’t worry about things in the grand scheme. I didn’t think about all the evil out there and the world my children would inherit. The future was far off, abstract, not something to consider at that stage.

As an older (read experienced) mom, I calmed new moms. I told them to trust their instincts and to not stress so much. Many of them seemed nervous. Many of their worries seemed foreign to me. I decided it was because they were mature enough to recognize their mortality, something I refused to see when I first became Mom, but saw in abundance as I got older. I looked back and was thankful that I didn’t have that additional stress; that I was able to simply live in the present, in the cocoon I had created.

In some ways, I was a mom of a different generation. When I first had children, life was a bit simpler. Technology had not yet taken over households; my worst mom guilt was that the TV was on most of the day, even though often no one was actively watching it. Since inside had limited space, when it was nice, my children spent regular time playing outside with the other kids in the neighborhood, often going yard to yard, knowing  to stay within the boundaries where my voice would reach. (They still talk about the call: “Yavorskiiiiis, Time for dinnnnnner!”) Other times they engaged in pretend play or devoured the books that were always strewn about the house. This was much like my childhood.

Now, my kids are mostly grown and out on their own and my former classmates are just starting to have the experiences that have recently ended for me. I now have friends who are a little older than I am, those who are at the same life stage. Here I am once again, the young one. Those friends who are my age sometimes look at me and ask how it is on the other side. They are at a point where my today is still a few years off, which can look very far away. Though many said I would regret starting so young, I insisted it was a good idea, that I would have plenty of time later for fun. Given how much has changed, I am very happy to be on the other side.

 

6 of #52essays2017

What To Do With All the Stuff

By Kimberly Yavorski February 3, 2017 writing challenges

Secret Subject Swap

 

Welcome to a Secret Subject Swap. This week 14 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts.

My Secret Subject was submitted by: http://Bakinginatornado.com

The prompt: Are you a hoarder, a purger, or something in between?

I am most definitely not a purger. I have a few of those in my family and though I understand the desire for a tidy space, I like having things around me that prompt memories and am entirely too thrifty to throw out things that are likely to be needed at a future date. However, I wouldn’t consider myself a hoarder either. I am more of a collector, and a preserver of history. I try to be selective in what items I keep around.

Nowadays, having too many things in a space makes me a little anxious. It also makes routine maintenance more difficult and time-consuming.While it was easy to hold onto sentimental items when I was younger, each year brings more items and the space doesn’t change, so I have learned to curate.

For example, when it comes to baby clothes, some people keep them all, some keep nothing. When my first child was born, my mom gave me a few things that she had held onto and, like the bassinet that held both me and my sister and all of our children, it was special to have some things that we shared. Of course like most families, we passed clothes down to the next kid, but once our family was complete, it was time to pass them on to other families to use. I had a handful of items that were too precious to me to part with, so there is a single plastic bin in the attic with items that hopefully my grandchildren will get to use. This contains a select few outfits (without elastic which degrades over time), blankets and handmade items such as hats and booties.

As a family historian, I have a significant amount of paper. I have been attempting to corral it into neat binders (all indexed by family) to protect it and make it easier to share with others or to determine which genealogical avenue to pursue next. I admit to holding onto some pieces of paper with sentimental value (such as some drawings done by my children as toddlers) and some to show how things have changed (such as a pay stub from my first “real” job in 1989). While these examples have little to no monetary value, similar items from my ancestors would be priceless.

Aside from a tendency to rip tempting recipes or interesting tidbits that may find their way into my writing out of magazines, overall, I don’t fall into the paper trap that many others complain about. Most incoming paper gets dealt with promptly. Bills go in a folder, relevant ads are set aside for a week and other promotional pieces of mail are recycled. I do sometimes fall behind on reading magazines, but these too are recycled. (The recipes are my current subject of frustration. I have binders to sort them in, but have been piling them up instead of filing right away. I contemplated recycling the whole pile last weekend.)

Although I know I could never follow Marie Kondo’s method, I do see value in asking the useful/beautiful/bring joy question. If something doesn’t fit in one of these categories, it is simply taking up space and is not paying rent. I long ago gave up the guilt of rehoming an item that someone has given me; some things may outlive their usefulness or no longer “fit in.” The way I look at it, someone else may appreciate the item more, so they should have it. I do want to emphasize the rehoming aspect though. If something still has useful life, it should be sold or given away, not dumped in a landfill.

The challenge is what to do with all these extras. I have an ideological aversion to trashing things, so donating items makes sense. However, many organizations will throw out what they cannot use, so unless I carefully chose what and where to donate, I am only transferring the responsibility of filling landfills to the non-profits. This sort of curating takes time, something that is often in short supply. So there are times that the donations pile up, waiting for word of their ultimate destination. I know this looks bad to purgers but it is really more a question of time management than willingness to part with stuff. Some days I make multiple stops: high-end clothing to the organization that donates directly to teens, still wearable but less desirable clothing and household goods to the thrift store that sells the items and donates to local charities, and books to the local library.

So to answer the question, I guess I am in-between. With some things I may lean more one direction than the other, and I think that is likely true of us all. (Don’t we all have some weakness, some category of item that we keep picking up, even when there we don’t need more?) I find as the years go by, there is more that I am appreciating from afar. I am noticing and commenting on things, but I don’t want the responsibility of owning, storing and caring for them. Overall, I find I want to have less, not more and when thinking about what I would take with me if forced to leave my home quickly, with no guarantee of again seeing anything left behind, there is not much I would choose to bring. I can’t think that this is the mindset of a hoarder, yet since I do still possess so many things, it’s not that of a purger either.

Now, please take a couple minutes and check out what others in the group have to say:

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The Challenge of Being an Introvert in a Group of Extroverts

By Kimberly Yavorski January 26, 2017 growing up, relationships, writing challenges

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Even though I am an introvert, most of my friends are extroverts. Many of them are the type who are eager to dance and sing in public, even without a healthy dose of “liquid courage.” I try to join in, but not matter how intense my efforts, I am invariably hit with, “Come on, get into it!” Even when I am putting myself out there, I am still seen as being quiet and reserved.

I have overcome my childhood fear of people and over time have come to the realization that people are fun to be around. I can carry on a conversation, even in groups, and can even speak in public (when I am prepared to do so).

In a relatively recent workshop for youth leaders, I broke into a sweat when singled out as part of an icebreaker activity. The activity was completely non-threatening, but I felt put on the spot and felt panicked. I tried to hide my discomfort, but I saw that raised eyebrow.

For the most part, I am good at faking it. I can run events, manage groups, but put me on the spot and I freeze.  Getting up in front of a group takes considerable mental preparation. I can’t do it on the fly. Expressing my fears has resulted in comments like, “You’re so funny.” Clearly my distress is not apparent. But under that confident illusion is a small child who is sweating and shaking. The panic bubbles up. The flight instinct is kicking in. I know that I can’t run home (like I did as a child once from a birthday party that caused too intense feelings) but the panic is very real.

I want to be like them. I want to be able to dance and sing and have fun. This is not to say that I necessarily feel I am missing anything, I am content to participate quietly. I enjoy occasionally joining in as part of a group, but never as the center of attention. I envy those who can dance like no one is watching; I am just not one of them, unless I am surrounded by a crowd and therefore invisible. I find safety there. Being pushed to be the center of attention causes panic. Finding myself in the center of a ring of people, I can’t breathe. Of course I realize no one expects this, it is not” normal”, so then there is the flush of embarrassment.

My family forgets this about me. I have them fooled as well. I know they have at least on occasion been aware of my discomfort. My parents have known this about me. In fact, after the fact, I found out that they had held their breath when I read a passage at a friend’s wedding and were impressed that I got through it. Perhaps these successes make them think I have completely overcome my social anxiety.  I keep trying, and reminding myself to push beyond my comfort zone, but I don’t think extrovert will ever be a term that could be used to describe me. Honestly, I’m not sure that’s necessarily a bad thing.

 

4 of #52essays 2017

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Celebrating a Special Day In a Special Way

By Kimberly Yavorski January 20, 2017 family history, writing challenges
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Gertie with all three of her grandchildren

Birthdays are a big deal in my family.  Even though my mother would joke about how she was the one who had done all the work so many years ago to make this day possible (thanks again, Mom), on our birthdays, my sister and I were made to feel like princesses. Mom made sure every detail was attended to. There was always a party, which may or may not have fallen on the actual date of our birth. When it didn’t, we got two celebrations. There were banners, balloons, streamers — we had the whole works. Growing up, it was essential that parties centered around a theme, chosen by the birthday girl, complete with matching plates, napkins, and cake decorations. Although these all were memorable, the birthday party that really sticks out in my mind was not mine. The year my grandmother turned 60, my mother and her brother went all out. They planned a surprise party with the theme: “This Is Your Life.”

My family has a flair for the dramatic, so this was an event to remember. They rented a hall and invited everyone they could find from her past. My grandmother had moved around quite a bit and had an interesting assortment of jobs, so there were many former neighbors and coworkers. She was also the kind of person who simply attracted people. If you were to go any place she frequented regularly, most people there knew Gertie. No matter where we went, she seemed to run into someone she knew.

On this night, my grandmother thought she was going to hear her son at a speaking engagement. As the time for her to arrive approached, a number of people she hadn’t seen for years were crowded into the kitchen of the catering hall and told to be quiet. There were still many of us in the room when she entered. Rather than the typical “Surprise,” the band stared to play (yes, they hired a live band) and we all sang “You’re Nobody ‘Til Somebody Loves You,” her favorite song.

When she had recovered from the shock (well, almost), she was told to sit in a chair in the center of the dance floor. My uncle then got up and read from the script. He explained that we were all there to celebrate her life, without which, none of us would be there in the room, or for some of us, even exist. The story started with her birth, in Scranton, PA and went on from there, announcing each of her siblings (she was the oldest). This was the cue for each of them to come out of the kitchen and give her a big hug (all accompanied by a specially-chosen song). My job for the evening (besides going to hug her at my chapter in her story) was to man my Panasonic cassette recorder, to try to capture at least part of the excitement for her to enjoy later.

Her story continued and she was obviously thrilled. She cried as she got to see her siblings and cousins she hadn’t seen in years. She sat and nodded as her life was narrated, hearing about former neighbors and coworkers from long ago. Despite the growing numbers of people who came out of that tiny kitchen, she was still surprised at seeing them walk out and toward her. I can still see the expression on her face, one of obvious shock and joy. The most emotional point was when my uncle read a “letter from his brother,” who lived four states away. The letter expressed his wish to be there and how much he was looking forward to seeing her and giving her a great big hug. Then, in game show style, our emcee announced, “That next time is here,” and out he came. This was then followed by his wife and son who also “couldn’t be there,” but then were.

This was a party to remember, one that could not be topped. It was in 1977. My grandmother was able to stay in touch with many of the people from her past for the years that followed. I was 10, but this day still sticks in my mind. People are important. Celebrating them is important.  Relationships are valuable. It is never too late to rekindle them.

3 out of #52essays2017

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What It’s Like to Be Facing Down the End of a Stage

By Kimberly Yavorski January 12, 2017 midlife, relationships, writing challenges

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My two youngest were both in the high school play. As opening night approached, rehearsals got more frequent and longer, meaning I saw them off in the morning and didn’t see them again until late at night. We had been involved in productions before, so I knew to expect this. What I didn’t expect was the silence. For the first time in many years, I had no children around after school. I had a long-standing habit of finishing my day by around 3:00 so that I would be available for them, whether it was helping with homework, providing transportation or to hear about the day, then move into dinner prep and whatever the evening might hold.

For two weeks I wandered about the silent house, talking to the dogs and I realized that this was my future. I noticed things for what felt like the first time: The kids’ toys were gone. In fact, there was no evidence that children lived here at all.

So this is what it would be like. I was getting a taste of my future. Eventually childhood comes to an end, but to moms who have been living alongside it for many years, it seems to come on abruptly. Soon, I would be done giving direction and have to hope for the best, trusting that I did my job.

As they grow up, it seems strange to realize that permission is no longer needed; instead it is out of courtesy that my kids tell me where they are going and when they will return. Their schedules vary; I may see one or all of them any given night.

When they do return, they chatter away or bark at each other over minor annoyances. They are fiercely protective of each other, even when they act like mortal enemies. There is the push and pull. They are still my children, but they are moving on and away. They are learning who they are, but not wanting to fully give up who they were. This is foreign, yet familiar. I was once there too.

 

2 out of #52essays2017

 

Related posts:

Soccer Mom No More

Not Much Left To Do But Cheer Them On

 

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Allowing Others to Help May Be the Greatest Gift

By Kimberly Yavorski January 9, 2017 midlife, relationships, writing challenges

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Allowing others to help is a gift. This is a lesson I wish I had learned much earlier in life. It’s no surprise to those who have known me for a long time that I am an introvert. I am a fairly private person and fiercely independent. I am sure I was one of those toddlers who frustrate parents by constantly saying “Do it myself!”  As a child, I was socially awkward and at times, very lonely. Large birthday parties were a cause for terror (I once ran out of a house and half a block home shortly after my mom dropped me at a friend’s birthday party I had been looking forward to, simply because her grandfather spoke to me).  As an adolescent, I assumed I had little to offer and kept to myself, rarely participating in conversations unless I was in a very small group and knew the people well.

It took my overhearing people talking about me to realize that the way my behavior was perceived was very different from my reality. I heard the words “stuck up” and “thinks she is better than the rest of us.” This was far from the reality of my thoughts, but had a profound effect on me. I realized that my actions were being misinterpreted and I would have to make some changes since I did not like the image that I was apparently projecting.

My social skills improved as a teen (largely through my involvement as a volunteer with a pet rescue group where I was speaking for those who couldn’t), but I still kept largely to myself and only let a select few in. Though I generally didn’t mind being alone, sometimes the aloneness was deafening.

Parenthood offered more struggles and challenges and I learned that community is even more important when you have children.  I found my people, and we leaned on each other, sometimes a lot.

People talk about the wonderful feeling you get when you help someone, how being needed and knowing you have made a difference makes you feel more valued. It is important to allow others to have this feeling as well. Many of us end up being labelled “strong” and feel that we can’t ever allow ourselves to need others. Society conditions us to think that needing help is a weakness and something to be pitied. Nothing can be further from the truth. Everyone is in need of help sometimes and allowing others to provide it is a gift.

Allowing others in and to help allows them to learn about themselves and see what they are capable of. Their other worries may drop away or seem less significant if they are focused on something outside of themselves. No one can be “the strong one” all the time, and insisting on trying to do this is denying others the opportunity to be helpful and strong themselves.

When you let other people help you, you are also giving yourself a gift. You are relieving some pressure (likely self-imposed) off yourself and opening yourself to new possibilities. Keeping everything to yourself is selfish and this applies to feelings and responsibilities as well as to things. Opening up is scary, but I have learned that the benefits make the risk worthwhile.

 

1 out of #52essays2017

 

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Reflecting and Planning

By Kimberly Yavorski January 4, 2017 Uncategorized

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A new year brings new hope, new plans. 2016 was a tumultuous year, politically and socially and will be sure to have a chapter in the history books. Looking at my first post of 2016 and reflecting on the year that just ended, I see that I have done just what I wrote about in my column last week. I had set goals for the year, which like life in general, evolved and changed.  Personally the year had its ups and downs; professionally, I made progress and am overall happy with the results. The two are of course interrelated and each affected the other.

Looking at numbers, in 2016 I:

That’s over 200 pieces published and more in the works.

Looking at my 2016 “plan for the year,” I have achieved some success and have made adjustments:

The book was largely put on hold last year as I focused on other writing and realized I want to make significant changes to make the book better. I plan to schedule more time to work on it this year while pursuing new freelance opportunities. I want to complete it this year.

I wrote and submitted many pieces this year and have grown tremendously as a writer and as a person. About halfway through the year, I came across a piece of advice: as a writer, one should not focus exclusively on success, but set goals with a focus on attempts. The goal would be to have 100 rejections in a year, as this means that you are writing and submitting regularly. When counting both rejections and a lack of a reply for both completed pieces and pitches, my total for the year is 102. This has taught me to not take rejection personally (though it is tough on those weeks when they come in series) and to review, revise (if necessary) and get pieces back out there as most will be published, it’s just a matter of finding the right home (I currently have 12 pieces awaiting a home). In the process I have gotten some lovely rejection letters encouraging me to try again and have had some editors come to me with stories to write.

Though I made little progress on my family tree, Family Tree Magazine’s Family History Writing Challenge during the month of November was inspiring and gave me new ideas and research avenues to pursue (and I was thrilled that they shared some of my posts on Facebook and Twitter). Earlier in the year I set up a family Facebook page for one of my lines to share pictures and have connected with family members on Facebook. Though I have yet to meet some family members in person, I hope we can make that happen early this year.

I connected with many other writers and editors in the last year and look forward to meeting some of them in person this year as I hope to attend a writers’ conference this spring or early summer. These contacts have led me to new sources and have been generous with their praise and advice. Friends are essential to a happy, fulfilling life and I am blessed to have several new people I can call friend this year.

I have not spent as much time outside as I would like and my dog is especially unhappy about this. I know that I need to unplug more and that the outdoors and physical activity are rejuvenating, but I sometimes get caught up and lose track of time. Heeding the call from the outdoors is something I need to work on (I need to schedule my time better overall). I also did not spend the time with friends I would have liked to. This is also something that I need to schedule.

Juggling continues to be a struggle for me. I am committed to putting family first, so on occasion my writing time has been limited. As with other things mentioned here, scheduling my time better (and making people aware of the schedule) should help. This makes this year’s goal rather obvious: scheduling.

I plan to take my list making to a new level. Though I don’t have the personality to be a slave to a schedule, I want to create a working one, one that can be flexible and adapt to the current need (which sometimes may be to step away from the keyboard to attend to people matters or to simply unplug and do nothing). I want to go easier on myself and my family (I get cranky when I don’t meet my goals) yet still make regular progress. I haven’t looked at last year’s plan until today, so that should change. I need to schedule (yes again) a time to re-evaluate the re-focus if necessary. I am starting to use technology to help organize but am frustrated by the learning curve (again with the scheduling!) I have been talking about setting a calendar for the past few months. I guess now is the time to sit down and actually do it.

 

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Some Things About Me

By Kimberly Yavorski November 30, 2016 family history, writing challenges

Nov 30 –  write a brief biography of yourself

Since this is one of my least favorite things to do (after all, biographies are written about other people), I am going to simply drop links here as I have some personal, autobiographical pieces already published, both on this blog and on other sites. Here goes:

In the Beginning …

Leaving the Comfort Zone Is Not So Bad

What a Difference a Year Makes

Are Early Memories a Blueprint for Life?

Big News – Another Hat for Me!

Confessions of a Chronic Volunteer

Working on the Bucket List, One Event at a Time

8 Things My Kids Taught Me About Me

Who Am I and What Do I Want to Be Now That I’m Grown Up?

A Day in Grandma’s Life

By Kimberly Yavorski November 29, 2016 family history, writing challenges

diary-jpgNov 29 – Imagine a typical day for a female ancestor. What time did she wake up, and what did she do throughout the day?

Thanks to my grandmother’s diary, I don’t have to imagine this. An excerpt from her diary:

July 9, 1936

Dear Diary,

Arose at 8:30. Ate and dressed. Cleaned upstairs today. Ate lunch. Finished upstairs, Mom scrubbed her room I scrubbed mine. Feel terrible lazy. Well finally finished, Honey came home. We ate supper. Dressed. We went up to see Benny Daniels about the truck ride. George Stitch went with us. He said he would take them for $7.00. Well we took a walk around. Came down as far as Morris. Got a bottle of root beer each. Came home and went to bed at 9:15. Got a lend of 35 cents off Pop.

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If Grandma Had Facebook

By Kimberly Yavorski November 29, 2016 family history, writing challenges

grandmaNov 28 – imagine an ancestor had internet and social media

This is something I have actually thought about before. Though Grandma was certainly literate (having been an avid reader when she was younger), I think Facebook and social media in general, would have been an interesting challenge, to say the least. Grandma had some of the latest gadgets while I was growing up ( a VCR and cable TV quickly come to mind) but she had some difficulty using them. Basically, there were too many options on the remote. She subscribed to her aunt’s theory that “Something that is good for everything is good for nothing.” Once things were set up, though, I think she would have enjoyed the platform (provided she had a way to access it that required a single on/off button).

The abundance of news stories would provide much in the way of conversation starters. As a kid, I remember she made sure each week to buy The Star and The National Enquirer newspapers; much of the faux news available online is comparable. Fortunately, she did not believe all of this, but enjoyed it for its entertainment value. I imagine her howling with laughter at some of the YouTube videos being passed around and fidgeting uncomfortably at some of the more inappropriate content sometimes shared. (And then sharing some of the “dirty” stuff herself.)

Being able to see photos of far away family would be a welcome treat and I think she would have really gotten a kick out of Facebook live (though probably only watching it, unless someone was with her to help film). Having these digital albums at a moments notice would have been a special treat.

I am certain that Grandma would have more Facebook friends than I do, possibly even more than her great grandkids. She was extremely popular, especially among the younger crowd. I am sure that she would comment on those men she found good looking (as she did in real life) and she likely would have attempted some matchmaking if anyone she cared about was not in a relationship. I think that perhaps her online presence would be a little tamer than her in-person one; there is just something about telling people what you think in writing that is a little intimidating (and permanent). I am certain though that she would find it difficult, if not impossible to be anonymous.

I would be interested to know her thoughts on the technology of today. Though she struggled to use some of the newer devices, she considered them advances. She was amazed by early computers and the way so many everyday items became “smarter.” Grandma on Facebook is something I would have liked to see.