Author: Kimberly Yavorski

Irresponsible Preaching and Irresponsible Journalism

~ Kimberly Yavorski

IMG_7430Today I am breaking rules. I am talking about politics and religion (okay, not exactly, but politics and religion are both tangentially related to my story). I believe in rules for the common good, but also in tolerance. People should be left to make their own decisions, as long as they are not harming others or infringing on others rights to live peacefully. I know that this is complicated and that people have differing ideas about what constitutes doing harm, which ends up causing so much discord in this world. I also think that we have the responsibility as adults to take a stand where we see injustice and call out those who claim to be working for the common good when it appears that they are instead working toward some hidden agenda.

What was reported

This morning I read an article that almost sparked a full blown rant. This story told of statements made by a certain politician’s “favorite pastor,”, about Girl Scout leaders. According to the report, he made a statement that Girl Scout leaders should be killed, that they should have “a millstone put around their necks“ and they should be “drowned in the sea.” The article further said that he later confirmed that he was being literal. Anyone who knows me realizes how these statements would set me off.

What kind of a person says that? How can a man of God actually endorse what is essentially random violence? He is condemning a group of people (mostly women) based solely on their dedication to the young girls in their community, some of whom sorely need the structure and benefits provided by the organization. An organization that I believe in, that fosters community, that builds good citizens, that encourages girls to do community service and to work with their own churches to earn religious medals which they can then wear proudly on their uniform.

Having been a Girl Scout leader for 15 years, I am particularly outraged. This is hatred, pure and simple and I as I have often told my children, hate is the work of the devil. No good can come out of hatred. Anger, which frequently goes along with hate can sometimes be used to motivate people to achieve a positive end, but not hatred. Hatred takes over, it is a black hole in one’s soul that grows and takes more and more from the person harboring it, until it spills over and hurts others as well. But the person who is hosting this evil is not immune. He or she will not gain from hate, hate only takes.

It is an unfortunate truth in our society that the same few people tend to be the ones who organize and run events. This means that the Girl Scout leader is likely to also be involved in the PTA and also be the Sunday School teacher. And this man, who supposedly shares the word of God, is allegedly telling people to eliminate these individuals.

Again, what kind of person does this?

I understand that people have their own beliefs and I am not one to force my own opinions and beliefs on anyone. I have a strong faith, in a kind, loving God, a father-figure who wants us to be the best people we can be. I am also a Christian, in the sense that I try to live my life as Jesus taught, with goodness and tolerance, lifting people up, not tearing them down.

I fear for our society that there exist people who feel the need to do otherwise and who are in a position of leadership that gives them the platform and prestige that causes otherwise sensible people to believe that this kind of behavior is okay.

What was really said

In the spirit of fairness, and responsible journalism, I tracked down said sermon and listened to what was actually said. I found that he did quote that particular Bible passage while talking about Girl Scouts, but not really in the context that was portrayed. His comment about the millstone was directed at those who would harm children and the implication was that Girl Scouts, through promoting abortion and contraception (note this is not true; this propaganda rises up every year and is disproven) is harmful. There was no statement, even implicit that all leaders should be punished. However, as he continued,  I found what followed to also be disturbing.

While this was not even mentioned in the sensationalistic article I read this morning, it is something that while not violent in nature, still has the potential to be harmful. He said that important values, based on scripture, could not be found in Girl Scouts, that looking at their website, there was no evidence that the organization upheld these values. While I think that the Girl Scout Law certainly does echo concepts promoted in the New Testament, the specific ones he is referring to certainly are not there, for good reason.

The Biblical ideals that he is looking for include these from 1 Timothy and Titus:

1 Timothy 2
9In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with braided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array; 10But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works. 11Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. 12But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. 13For Adam was first formed, then Eve. 14And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. 15Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety.

Titus 2
4That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, 5To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.

Wow. Is that really what we want to teach our daughters? To be silent, to not teach, to be subjected to a man, to be obedient? Now in full honesty, I don’t believe that is what Timothy or Titus is saying. If you read the text in its entirely, there are also guidelines for men’s behavior which include “a pattern of good works,” not being corrupt, being sincere, hospitable, patient, generous, etc.

However, here we have a “leader” telling people that girls should be obedient and implying that those who encourage them to do otherwise are encouraging them to ignore the teachings of the Bible and should be punished, severely. I think that by focusing on what the Bible “tells” young women to do without the corresponding directions for young men, some could infer that men do not have similar obligations, that men can do as they please, that only women have to behave honorably.

I don’t feel the need here to talk about how this doesn’t fit in with modern times, how life is very different today than it was 2000 years ago. The lives of women today are very different from centuries or even decades ago. Women of today are not silent and are also more educated and independent than in previous generations. This does not mean that there are not women of faith and good values. In fact, there are more women than ever in leadership positions in church life.

This further prompted me to revisit the Girl Scout website. There on their “about” page is their stated mission statement: “Girl Scouting builds girls of courage, confidence, and character, who make the world a better place.” There is also a section where Girl Scouts addresses faith: “Everything in Girl Scouting is based on the Girl Scout Promise and Law, which includes many of the principles and values common across religions. So while we are a secular organization, Girl Scouts has always encouraged girls to take spiritual journeys via their faiths’ religious recognitions.” Honestly, I am not finding anything here to condemn the organization.

This a la carte use of religion has the tendency to be divisive. Sensationalistic journalism compounds the problem. Is it simply that we are living in a world where since everyone is bombarded by images and soundbites all the time that no one really listens and pays attention anymore? Or are we simply too lazy to check facts and decide instead to believe the words someone else chooses to write (twisting the truth ever so slightly, either by mistake or design)?

I for one, want to believe in people. I want to find good in everyone. I don’t want to believe that people can be evil, that they can utter hateful things, that they can twist the truth or even outright lie. But sometimes they do, and someone has to stand up and call them on it.

Why I Was Late to the Sisterhood

~ Kimberly Yavorski

100_9209Facebook informed me that today is International Women’s Day, much in the same way it announces other “special” days (I have more to say on this, but that will be the subject of a separate post). I saw several posts celebrating women and talking about this year’s call: “Pledging for Parity.” Maybe it is the fact that it is a big political year, but it seems to me that posts on this topic are more frequent, repeatedly causing me to think about my own feelings about gender relations.

I recently wrote about my coming to grips with being a feminist, but this morning my ponderings went a different direction. I thought about how I am a relative newcomer to the sisterhood, that unlike many young women today, I grew up with few female friends and never belonged to a group, complete with a cute name, such as the Fabulous Five or the Stupendous Seven.

When I was very young in fact, most of my friends were boys. This was in part due to the demographics of my neighborhood, but also because I had no interest in “girly things.” In fact, I was rather snobbish in my disdain for frilly clothes and makeup. The boys played outside and were more accepting. I don’t remember a boy ever calling me bossy; plenty of the girls did.Things were simple and where you stood was obvious. Like all kids, I sometimes disagreed with my friends, but with the boys, it never felt like a fight; issues didn’t linger and fester. Things usually resolved themselves, most of the time rather quickly.

As I approached tweendom, I changed my mind about the clothes and makeup, but still distrusted groups of girls, finding them cliquish and gossipy. I had no desire to be part of a group that said that some people had to stay on the outside. I believed this about these girls (looking back, with little to no evidence that it was true) and distanced myself. I wanted no part of a group that was all girls, and none of the traditional activities for girls (such as dance or cheerleading) interested me.

This is not to say I had no girlfriends. I had a few, but for the most part, time spent was one-on-one, not in groups. At this point, the boy friends dropped off (lest they be referred to as boyfriends) and I felt no need to increase my social circle and compromise my values. I had a few close friends, that was enough.

This didn’t really change until I became a mom. The first few years were isolating. When our oldest started school and we got involved in our local community, I realized what I had been missing. I found my village. Before I knew what had happened, I was swapping birth stories with strangers, as well as tips and struggles about parenting. Many “me toos” later, I realized I had joined a sisterhood. As my children and I have grown, those relationships have grown as well, to the point where I have several friends who are as close as family. I can honestly say I don’t know how I would have coped with the challenges life has thrown me without these women by my side.

Now I look at young women and almost wish I had discovered the concept of this sisterhood sooner. I know that their relationships will change over time, and some friendships will not last, but it must be nice to have a group who can say they knew you “back when.” I watch them gathering as they get older. Their interests and activities have changed, but the giggling and affection (and even a bit of the competitiveness) is the same.

Though shared history is a glue that can hold people together, having similar experiences can work in the same way. I find that even growing up in different places and sometimes slightly different times, some things were just the same: fashions in hair and clothing, school experiences, navigating the social waters as an adolescent and figuring out (to use today’s terminology) how “to adult.” I have found that the sisterhood is not as exclusive as I once thought.Though I am late to the party, I have been welcomed and now am happy to be here.

My Worst Fear Came True – I Inherited My Grandmother’s Chest

~ Kimberly Yavorski

07
My biggest fear growing up was that someday I would have Grandma’s chest. You may be questioning this statement and picturing some hideous wooden box, however, I am not talking about a Hope Chest or anything of the sort, but the chest she carried beneath her chin and above her waist. Grandma was stacked! Her hugs sometimes made me feel like I was being swallowed. But unlike me, she never seemed to feel uncomfortable about it.

Grandma knew how to get attention. She worked as a singer in nightclubs and had a wardrobe of flashy clothes that showed off her attributes. As a young girl, I was shy and embarrassed, but also somewhat awed by such displays. Now I appreciate the value of having assets and being comfortable with them.

Her bras fascinated me, in a strange sort of way. They were indeed “boulder holders.” I wondered how she stayed upright and didn’t topple over. Walking through crowds had to be a challenge as well. There was no way to avoid noticing her breasts. I secretly thought that they helped her float in the pool.

As I matured, I happily settled in with a comfortable 36B, which was in proportion with my 5’8” medium -build frame. I had no complaints and though I got my share of attention, did not have the problem some of my friends did, that their bosom was expected to carry on a conversation with men.

When I had kids, though, things exploded. I made the choice to nurse my children and soon discovered how large bras could get. I was surprised to observe that my bras were large enough to possibly be used to haul home some of my purchases from the produce section. (I did not try this, for obvious reasons.) I wondered if it was permanent and how long my back could support the additional demands placed on it. I wondered if the young me was right and they could be used as flotation devices. I never got to find out because I couldn’t find a bathing suit that fit right.

I was shocked. How could this have happened? No one told me that they could triple in size! I was going to need an entire new wardrobe. All those cute tops I had were history. Luckily, the demands of caring for children gave me more pressing things to worry about and I was able to push my boob woes to the back of my mind. I resorted to wearing (very) oversize shirts (mostly from the men’s department) since I was completely unwilling to buy any maternity clothes after the baby was here.

Sleeping became a challenge. Any way I tried to position myself was uncomfortable. Laying on my stomach was out of the question and any other position pushed my arms out to uncomfortable angles. I managed to find come positives though. I convinced myself that my waist had shrunk, since I couldn’t see it at all anymore. I also found that at any event with a buffet, I had a built-in shelf for my plate.

My babies grew up and my chest subsided, to a point. Surprisingly, I found that I was happy to not go back to my pre-pregnancy size. I had gotten used to the new look, and although I was not unhappy with the old me, I like the end result.

Despite my acceptance of Grandma’s gift, there are downfalls. All the prettiest things: dresses, shoes, even bras, are designed for tiny people. Finding something pretty in a larger size is a challenge. Designers seem to forget that if you have more on top, you need to have more fabric at the bottom. Shirts and dresses alike are frequently too short for my comfort. Button down shirts that fit right everywhere else gape open several buttons down. Then there is the oft cited lack of attention when speaking to people, particularly men. I do sometimes have the temptation to reach out and lift a chin even so slightly in order to make eye contact.

The chest I possess would not have looked right on the 18-year-old me, but today, the curves suit me. Once it became reality, I came to terms with my fear. After all, short of surgery, what choice do I have? Besides, Grandma was the best; I am happy to be compared to her.

A Reluctant Feminist

~ Kimberly Yavorski ~ 3 Comments

IMG_7542I have an uncomfortable relationship with feminism. It has sort of grown up with me. As a young girl, I saw women taking the stage, speaking forcefully, making themselves heard and refusing to sit down. While this is in part admirable, I found their demeanor often offensive. The feminists of my youth struck me as being men haters, as rebelling against an oppressive force, as rejecting femininity. They seemed to imply that if you liked traditional girl things and roles, that you were somehow less in their eyes. The message was that men only wanted to rule and control women and that we should rebel.

This made no sense to me. I simply did not feel that oppression. I have always really liked men. The men in my life told me that I could do anything, that my career choices were only limited by my own motivation and ambition. Yes, I saw that women earned less and were less represented in high paying careers, but believed that these things would be overcome.

Those early feminists also seemed to take every courtesy as an affront. The act of a man holding a door open was interpreted as “He thinks I am too weak to do this myself.” Offering a hand or arm to hold was saying “You are fragile and childlike.” Paying for a meal or a movie indicated that a woman needed a man, that she could not do things on her own. I call BS on all of this and honestly resented those feminists for making a man question whether he could be polite and courteous to me. I think that they are responsible, in part, for the confusion we see in gender relations today.

I have always been one of those girls who was “just one of the guys.” I have been the only female in the room in more circumstances than I can count. The times when I have been made to feel insignificant or unimportant in their company has been rare. As a child, I had more male friends than female, due in part to neighborhood demographics. This naturally influenced my opinions on the war between the sexes. There is no war.

That is not to say that I haven’t seen sexism firsthand. I have. I have had male co-workers engage in conversations with my chest and talk to me as if I had no intellect at all. Or even a pediatrician who, when I asked him to repeat something I had not heard over my child’s crying (about the temperature of our water heater), telling me to just tell my husband, that “he would understand.” These instances however were rare and were more than balanced by the men I worked closely with every day who valued my skills and treated me as just another person.

When I quit my job to stay home with my kids, I felt ostracized. I was “Mommy-tracked” by those in power at my company (both men and women). With my job, it would have been possible to continue a professional relationship that would have been mutually beneficial, but I had committed an offense, I chose my children over my career. As time went on, the power brokers changed and the professional relationship was rebuilt, funny enough, by a man who respected both me and my work.

This is the main gripe I have with feminism. Life is not men versus women. When I left my editorial job, it was my choice. It was not something thrust upon me by a male-dominated industry (actually I would have liked to have seen them try such a thing). I did not do irreparable damage to womankind by choosing full time motherhood over a career in journalism. I think this is where feminism went wrong. I believe that having the choice is what matters, not which choice you may make.

I recently shared a post on Facebook in praise of women helping to empower other women. I was almost immediately chastised for this, as it was interpreted as women promoting other women, ONLY because they are women. I don’t believe this is the case at all. Women who work to support others are making things better for all. Too many women get caught up in the rush to the ceiling, scrambling over others in the process. For decades we have heard about the Mommy Wars, between working and stay at home moms. Then there is the great breast feeding debate, the co-sleeping debate and on and on.

When we acknowledge that we all want a better world and that not every solution is right for every person, we become stronger as a community. We should be making things easier for each other, not more difficult. If we were all leaders, who would follow? We need people who are willing to do different things, to take on different roles in order to survive as a society.

I still harbor that feeling of distrust for feminism, much to the dismay of my daughters. I am coming to understand that the feminism of today is different and we are seeing men declaring themselves feminists. Using the definition of feminism I have most recently seen, the belief that people should be treated the same without concern for which chromosomes they were born with, then yes, I guess I am a feminist.

Save

Why Can’t We All Just Get Along?

~ Kimberly Yavorski ~ 4 Comments

SCAN0004In our house, this past weekend was full of politics. We spent part of Friday and much of Saturday watching the live stream of Washington and Lee University’s Mock Republican Convention. The school has a long-standing tradition of every four years holding a mock convention for the party which is not currently in the White House. This is very involved and is research-based, culminating in the “convention” with the expected pomp and swagger. The school overall has a good track record, predicting the nominee correctly 19 times out of 25.

Overall, I think it was a wonderful experience for the students who got a glimpse of our political process and how it works. There was an impressive lineup of speakers, which included Dick Cheney and Newt Gingrich, as well as Grover Norquist, Ed Gillespie, Ann Coulter, and KY Governor Matt Bevin. These speakers imparted their wisdom to the students and, once they were done getting in their partisan sound bites, most of them gave some very good life advice.

They told students to be innovative, to use technology to improve the common good, to think, to work to make the world better, to not be sheep, but rather shepherds, to be leaders. I think these are all things that we can stand behind and show that we do have things in common. The speakers that were best received by the mostly student audience (who by the way were not all Republicans) were those with a positive message.

It was interesting to observe the mock process and to watch the reactions of the students to the speakers and to the vote that followed. I am sure the event sparked animated conversations at the post-convention celebrations. From conversations with people associated with the university, (and comments made by speakers who are also alums) I have learned that this event is one of the things most remembered by students in their four years there.

Later Saturday was yet another Republican Presidential Debate. I have not watched all of the prior ones (in fact this is the only debate I watched in its entirely on either side), but this one did strike me as particularly argumentative and personal. I guess as the primaries occur and things heat up, this is frequently the case. I think it was notable that one candidate pointed out that the high level of negativity was likely to bring the party down as a whole.

Personally, I am getting weary of politics today. The rhetoric is only serving to make the US more polarized. There is too much talk of us versus them. I worry that the current political season is too angry. Recent years have seen politicians talking about defeating people, not policies. Right now, there is discord about approving the appointment of a new Supreme Court justice, even before anyone has even been proposed to fill the position. Taking politics out of this, should our country go a year without a fully working branch of government?

When I look at what is discussed at presidential debates I have to shake my head. I grew up believing I live in the best country in the world, one based on tolerance and respect. A country where anyone could rise to be and do anything (though in practice, until recently only wealthy white men were elected to the highest positions of power). Today I see people vying to be the leader of this great country who are talking about who people decide to love and marry and who will make decisions about personal medical decisions as if these are the issues of greatest import in this world. I am hearing people who may soon lead the free world talk about fellow world citizens in a condescending, even rude manner. I am hearing people throw phrases like “Pro-abortion” around (really, is there anyone who is advocating for more abortions?).

We live in a world of labels, but there is no one-size-fits-all label for anyone. I have friends who are on polar opposite sides of the political realm. When you look deeper, this opposite-ness really only pertains to some issues. When I witness heated discussions about political issues, people hissingly call each other liberals or conservatives as if each is inherently bad. On a n individual policy level though, there is often some agreement. Not all conservatives agree on all issues traditionally espoused by the conservative movement, likewise, not all liberals want to see the same policies enacted. In fact, most people I know cross “party lines” on at least one issue supposedly of great importance to the side they more closely identify with, ideologically speaking.

What sort of example are we setting, for our children and for the rest of the world? Those of us who come from families with a long history in this country have ancestors who came here for a better life. Some were escaping a bad situation, others were adventurous and ambitious. Our ancestors did not agree on everything, yet they found common ground and found ways to coexist and build communities together. Yes, in many cases we have been a nation of neighborhoods, where like-minded people found each other and lived near each other, continuing long-held traditions and establishing new ones. Yes, there has been conflict between them, sometimes violent, but in the past we have had leaders who have stepped up to help find the common ground, to find a way to get along, to get past our differences.

I think we are looking at this process all wrong. Pointing out our differences is not working. Name calling is not working. Standing firmly to party lines is not working. We should be doing more listening, searching for common ground, seeking out what we AGREE on. I think many will find that there is more there than they think. Working together is how we can make America great again. I only fear that this realization may come too late.