education

It’s Okay to Be Undecided

~ Kimberly Yavorski

As our kids end their high school careers, the constant question is “What’s next?” Not only are they asking this question themselves, it seems that everyone else is as well. As they answer the question “What are you going to do next year?” with what college they plan to attend, you can sometimes sense the apprehension. They know the next question: “What are you going to major in?” While it is often meant as a conversation starter, this seemingly innocuous question makes some teens squirm. Some 18 year-olds don’t know what they want to do for the rest of their lives and in today’s world of four-year degrees priced at six-figures, not having a clear focus is sometimes seen as being irresponsible.

I disagree. I think it is even more acceptable to start college “undecided” today than when I was there 30 years ago. I understand that, especially with costs being disproportionately higher today, many parents are reluctant to fund four years of their teen “discovering himself” without a clear objective in mind, but I believe it is shortsighted to expect that such an objective can really be formulated at age 18. Having worked with young adults for more than a decade, I also see the effects of parental and societal pressure on them in the form of depression, anxiety and an overwhelming sense that they must succeed at all costs. For too many, failure at anything is simply not an option. The few students I have encountered without a clear answer to the common question “What do you want to be when you grow up?” seem to be distressed that they don’t yet have it all figured out.

Around the time my oldest entered college, I saw a sign in an airport: “The top 20 jobs 10 years from now have not even been invented yet.” This made me pause and gave me a new way to look at the purpose and methods of higher education. In the years since, the truth in that statement has been proven over and over again.

Those over 50 browsing job listings will likely see many positions that have them scratching their heads. What exactly is a “performance marketing wrangler” or a “course mentor?” Other job descriptions are easier to decipher, but somehow don’t seem like “real jobs.” Technology has in some way complicated our lives, creating the need for positions such as social media manager, content marketer, influencer, mobile app developer, and virtual assistant.  Technology moves at such a fast pace that that students graduating college may start jobs that were not needed or even conceived when they first walked onto campus as an undergrad.

Especially when you consider the ever-changing nature of business in the world today, it’s okay to be undecided. You don’t have to know at age 18 what you will do for the rest of your life. While some professions do require an early commitment (for example careers in some fields such as teaching, nursing and accounting involve certification tests before you can be employed), many of today’s jobs are flexible regarding what field of study you pursue. Even those planning on going to medical and law school have flexibility in what major they choose.

Up to 50 percent of students start college undecided. As one who started college with a clear path that changed dramatically after my first semester, in some ways I envy them. When I realized what I had thought was my career path was not going to work with the life I discovered I wanted, I was lost. I had no reason to stick with the demanding major I had chosen and had no idea what I wanted to study instead. I dabbled and ultimately found my way, but the interim was challenging. I felt like a failure.

I am seeing similar feelings in young adults today. Those who have a plan seem to have the next ten years of their life planned out. Those who are undecided tend to mutter and avoid all discussion of college courses. When I ask what classes they are taking for fun, they look at me quizzically. The reply is generally that they have no room in their schedule for “fun” classes; they have to work on their major. Many of them seem to be hyper-focused on the goal and missing out on the wonderful learning opportunities in the interim.

Today, the pressure to have it all together is even greater. The level of anxiety and depression seen in teens and young adults has been on the rise; they seem to see uncertainty or the possibility of failure as a fatal character flaw.  When college proves to not be “the best years of their lives,” many young adults assume that they are the problem. Too many are wasting the cherished opportunity of this age: to try something new with the possibility of failure (which is nature’s best teacher). We should encourage our kids to take the random class that “counts for nothing.” This may be the class that opens their eyes to new possibilities, that helps them find their place in the world, or at least provides four stress-free hours of classroom instruction.

This is the time they should be taking chances, stretching to see how far they can reach and learning how to pick themselves up when they fall. Allowing them the luxury to explore new interests without the pressure of committing to a single topic can not only reduce stress, it can also give them confidence to try new things. After all, isn’t that how the innovators of the world get started?

This article was first published at Parent.co, July, 2017

The Unending Vortex of Helicopter Parenting

~ Kimberly Yavorski ~ 2 Comments

Publication1Helicopter parenting is here to stay. It has taken hold of society in such a way that there may be no going back. Psychologists are now calling 25 the new entrance to adulthood. For many different reasons, adult children continue (or come back) to live with their parents. College professors and administrators are reporting that students are arriving on college campuses less prepared for independent living than prior generations. Why? Fingers are pointing at parents.

It has become a common lament that parents are hovering over their children, doing for them things that their children should be doing themselves. I argue that although this is in some cases true, that we have become a society that encourages such behavior.

I have noticed a shift over the past decade. Many parents are much more involved in their children’s lives and those who are not are treated as if they are neglecting their children.

I guess I was living under a rock, but I was surprised to learn that not only were parents nagging their teens to complete things such as college applications, they were actually completing the applications themselves!  Now I have no issue with proofreading, or even editing an essay, or acting as a sounding board for ideas, but how can a parent take things this far? Setting aside the fact that you are cheating your child out of the opportunity to learn how to handle such tasks on his or her own (after all, they will have job applications in their future), you are teaching them that it is okay to cheat!

I know the intentions are good. Parents want their children to do well, to get into a good school, to get a good job. They may regret decisions they made in their youth and not want their children to mimic their own mistakes.  But the efforts are short-sighted. If they are doing so much for their child to get into college, how will their child be able to handle the rigors of college? Then there is the trickle-down effect. Parents who may not be inclined to do as much feel like they have to, or their child will be left behind.

Recently I heard that that some parents are taking steps to counteract this lack of preparedness for their children in college. I have seen multiple reports from colleges about increased involvement among parents. Parents call professors, complain about grades and even go to class to take notes when their child is ill. Here too, I think some level of assistance is acceptable. My children have asked me to read over papers and give comments before turning them in (they know the value in using available resources). Provided they give me enough notice (11 pm calls for proofreading will be ignored), I am happy to read and give input, which they are then free to accept or reject. (Yes, my comments have been rejected.) But doing someone’s work for them is cheating, and undermines their confidence in their ability to do it on their own.

How did we get here? I think it started when this generation was young. For the past couple decades, parents, not children, have been planning playdates and activities to keep children entertained, to advance their education, to give them an edge over the competition. As a result, many kids never learned to occupy themselves or even how to engage someone in conversation. To be fair, this often came from a place of love. Parents believed they were protecting their children, that the outside world was a dangerous, scary place. Twenty years ago, children would go to a friend’s house to see if they could play. Today, a child (or anyone for that matter) knocking on a door is seen as suspicious.

The overprotectiveness has gotten to a point that I think is ridiculous. The fact that parents are being forced to defend themselves against charges of child endangerment for allowing their children to play at a neighborhood playground demonstrates the societal tightening of reins. Parents who can’t or won’t be over-involved in their children’s lives are facing the very real possibility that their children may be left behind. It has always been true that making noise gets attention, but now it almost seems that it is necessary to make noise just to be seen.

This creates a problem for parents who want to foster independence in their children. Despite the fact that hands-off parents are applauded by school staff and administrators, those who are very much hands-on are accommodated and it seems, almost encouraged by those same people who complain about the lengths some parents will go to help their own kids get ahead. The idea that “This is just the way the world is today” is unacceptable to me. I want it to be different, but am not sure how to affect change, or even if I can.

I am thankful that I made it through the early years before the madness took effect and that I was confident enough to maintain my “old school” beliefs. I do, however, worry about how my children will manage parenting if this trend continues. Even the business world has seen a change in recent hires and is offering special training in interacting with the new generation of workers. I find this all baffling, but think there may be hope. I am seeing a rebellion of sorts: terms like “free range parenting” and articles lamenting the effect “helicoptering” is having on young adults indicate that there is indeed a problem here.  Until there is a societal change, I guess I’ll just keep on shaking my head.

What Are We So Afraid Of?

~ Kimberly Yavorski ~ 2 Comments

SCAN0130 gloomy

These days, people are afraid. Afraid for our safety, for our children’s safety, for our future, for the future of the planet. Today’s world is very different from that of just a couple decades ago. We have all had the conversation that starts, “Back when I was a kid…” This is often followed up with stories of independence, of playing outside, of parents being unaware of where we were and what we were up to. And then the regrets that it couldn’t be like this today. But why not?

Studies show that most places in the U.S. are safer today than ever. Violent crimes and child abductions are down (and it has always been true that few abductions are committed by random strangers). The FBI reports that the rate of violent crime from 1991 to 2010 was cut by almost half, with a further reduction of 6.9% from 2010 to 2014.

I grew up in the suburbs, where you needed a car to get to the most interesting places. There was a small strip mall with a convenience store that Mom would send me to when we ran out of milk, or we would go to get a candy bar, or kill some time browsing in the mom and pop pharmacy. We rode bikes, played in the park and traveled from yard to yard. From the time I was about 10, I frequently rode my bike to school a couple miles away from home. After school, I would head out, sometimes alone, exploring neighborhoods and meeting dogs and their owners, coming home when I got tired or it got dark, whichever came first. I doubt my parents ever worried about my safety or even gave much thought as to where I was during those few hours.

My own kids, as well as everyone else’s, freely roamed the couple blocks surrounding our house when they were young. They all knew to be within the sound of mom’s voice and heaven help them if they didn’t come home when called. (Full disclosure, they rarely went that far. One summer, our house was the place to be. One day I counted 15 kids in my yard.)When I think about how different things are today than 15-20 years ago, I ask myself if I would still let them go out to play, unsupervised. The answer is yes, except for the fact that today I might have a neighbor report me for child neglect or endangerment. (This strikes me as rather funny, because to some, I was an overprotective parent.) In the early 1990s, I let my children, in 3rd grade and kindergarten, walk the two blocks to school, alone. (If I stood on the sidewalk, I could see the crossing guard at the school corner.)

My neighborhood is no less safe today than it was then, but today, when you see kids walking to the ball field or to Rita’s they are usually accompanied by adults. Now it is rare to see children running down the street or hear their calls in a summer twilight game of manhunt. I am sure that some of this is due to an increased use of technology, but I think a big part of it is that parents have been convinced that it is not safe to let their kids go out to play.

I understand that some neighborhoods are not safe, but many still are. I am surprised every time I hear a parent say they wish their kids could go out to play. Why can’t they? I believe they still can, but they would have no one to play with since everyone else is afraid.

Why the change over a generation? Life is different now, even more so than it was for the prior generation. Instant news from around the world has us worrying that bad things are waiting on our doorstep. Television and film depict horrifying crimes, sometimes against children. Amber alerts sent to TVs and via texts add to our fears (even when these events are outside of our area). I also think that many new laws are creating more concerns. Did people worry about being molested in a department store bathroom before these laws put the idea in their heads?

Cell phones and their tracking apps make it easy to keep tabs on where your family is at all times. Is this necessary, or even healthy? Do these apps make people feel more secure, or worry more? Don’t we, as adults, have more interesting things to do with our time? Is there really any reason for us to be afraid?

Are “Top” Colleges the Best Preparation for Life?

~ Kimberly Yavorski

A recent article I read about a child who was devastated about being rejected by Harvard struck a nerve with me. Despite the fact that only about 10% of students who apply to Ivy League schools are admitted (and many of those rejected do meet the qualifications), this student believed that there were no other options. In fact, his father said it was “the only good school.” I believe that most people see the folly in that line of thought, but this pervasive thought, that only certain schools, (those rated the “top” colleges), are acceptable, needs to be addressed.

I see this story as a wake up call. We can and should be doing more to help our children move into adulthood. They will not always get the brass ring. Not everyone who is deserving gets the prize. And that is okay. Being accepted into what you consider to be your dream school at age 18 is not necessary to be successful in life. The “brand” name schools are good ones, but that doesn’t make the less known ones “bad.” College rankings should be used as a guide. Depending on the source and the criteria, different schools end up at the top. If you are willing to work hard, you can get a good education, even if you are not at a “prestigious” school.

I don’t believe in the notion that some schools are inherently better than others. I do think however, that some schools are better for certain students than others. There are a lot of factors to consider: size, location, price, student/faculty ratio, education and experience of faculty and more. Any specific quality can be a plus or a minus, depending on the needs of the student. There is also the fact that not all children develop at the same rate and some students don’t hit their stride until their late teens, which will rule out the “top” colleges for them. Some of these students may actually end up with more successful careers than those in the top ten percent of the graduating class. What is comes down to is this: you get out of it what you put in.

Suicide and stress levels in college age students keep making the news. In the US, we appear to have a mental health epidemic, especially among our brightest students. How did this happen? How can we reverse this trend?

My own children span ten years and I have seen a dramatic difference in the general attitude about higher education and a corresponding spike in stress and anxiety level. My oldest and youngest are similar in their drive and ambition. Both were part of a crowd of high achievers. Both have friends who applied to and were accepted by Ivy League schools. All of these children are obviously intelligent and accomplished, but the older group of students was much more relaxed about the entire application process. Over the years I have seen more and more anxiety among teenagers as a whole as college acceptance letters roll in, with an overwhelming “need” to get into the “good” schools way out of proportion with the needs of real life.

With my oldest, little was said about the application process. Students simply got it done and went on with their very busy lives until the letters started coming in. A few worked on applications over the summer, but most completed them just before the deadlines. Maybe the fact that Facebook only existed for those who already had a college email helped, but there was little fanfare about these acceptances. Yes, there was nervous anticipation on the day acceptances were provided online (for the few colleges that did this) or when one heard that a certain college’s letters were arriving in homes, but only one’s close friends generally heard about the results until Student Decision day came along in the spring.

It was a completely different story for my youngest. Her classmates talked about college applications during junior year. Social events became SAT prep sessions. Essays were written over the summer before senior year (or maybe even during junior year). Applications were in well before the deadlines (even before senior year started). And then they waited, and stressed. I doubt that their parents appreciated it, but my daughter’s friends commented on my lack of pressure throughout the process. Most colleges we visited said they wouldn’t look at a single application before the deadline. I didn’t advocate waiting until the last minute, but saw no reason to cause any more stress than existed in the day-to-day schedule of the rigorous course load my child had chosen. I knew that the applications would be completed on time, and besides, it wasn’t my responsibility; it was hers.

A Generational Shift

Something changed in society during the years in between. My children attended the same schools, with many of the same teachers. If I had to say what I noticed most, it was the expectations, both from the parents and the school. I remember sitting at a meeting many years ago where a parent requested that the school district institute a policy of giving homework over the summer to help alleviate the need for re-teaching in the fall. Mine and a few other voices rejected that idea, insisting that such breaks were crucial for recharging and spending family time. But there was a quiet push, an undercurrent that drove everyone to expect more.

As my youngest was getting ready to start high school, I noted a concern among the parents about college preparedness. There was a drive to push our children, to choose a challenging course schedule, to add AP courses; there was a focus on post-secondary education and careers that was absent just ten years before, and it was present as these children were ENTERING high school. The earlier group of parents seemed content to let children find their way. This second group seemed very much focused on ushering our children through the process and into young adulthood.

I have come to the conclusion through my completely unscientific observations that this is something that we have created ourselves. Parents and teachers alike are piling expectations on teenagers and this is creating a stressed-out generation of learners. It is time for teachers to stop reminding students each and every day of their junior year that it is “the most important” year of their educational lives. Yes, teenagers need occasional reminding, and anyone who has parented one knows that they rarely hear anything the first time you say it, but enough already! Parents have to back off as well and focus on their children doing their best, not on getting the highest possible grade.

I worked in a high school as a paraprofessional for several years, mostly with honors students in an English class. Without fail, when they had papers returned, about half the class immediately pulled out calculators to determine their updated grade average. At a time when they should have been looking at their writing, evaluating what they had done well and what they needed to work on, all they cared about was the grade! Of course this pressure came from outside, whether from their parents, their teachers or society. My job was to read and grade student essays, and one in particular sticks in my mind. One student wrote about bringing home a writing assignment, with a grade of 89, which was a good grade for this student. The parent’s response, “Why didn’t you get an A?” What was a proud moment for this student quickly turned into disappointment at failing a parent’s expectations.

Parents need to know that with writing in particular, there are no perfect papers. You are not likely to see a 100% grade on an essay. Why? Because there is always room for improvement. Perfection is a goal that cannot be achieved in writing. The grammar may all be right, but there is always some way to improve on how you say something. Why is this important? Because in many classes, students are graded on what they know based on how well they express their knowledge. In writing.

The media has added fuel by focusing on how the U.S. lags behind other countries in some area of education. Since we cannot be second to anyone, this has generally resulted in increased efforts to teach skills that we are behind in, often to the detriment of those in which we are doing well.

The government has made a step in the right direction in reducing the frequency of testing. Here too, teachers have been forced to contribute to the instability of children’s mental health. With their jobs on the line if students don’t test well, they have stressed the importance of these standardized tests, causing even children who test well to have physical symptoms such as stomach aches and headaches at test times.

Parents recognize the importance of grades, since that is how students get into the “better” colleges. Every parent wants the best for their child and it is natural to want better for your child. Sometimes this results in parents getting overly involved, sometimes to the point of completing assignments and even college applications for their children. With many more students are applying to colleges today than did 30 or even 10 years ago, the competition is greater. As parents, we tell our children to reach for the sky. We also need to teach them how to cope when the sky is too high, this time. Being a teenager is hard, I think more so today than when I was there. I think it is our job as parents to prepare our kids to handle things without us.

When I get into a conversation on this topic, I am often posed a question like this one: “Given the same level of experience, which neurosurgeon would you want cutting into your brain, one from an Ivy League school or one from a state school?” I am not convinced that a more expensive or more prestigious school automatically makes one more skilled. Personally, I would want the doctor who sees me as a person, one who knows something about me and my life, who practices medicine due to a desire to help people, not one who sees all patients as a number, a notch on the belt.

These interpersonal skills are not taught in college. It is true that some are picked up along the way, as a side effect of living with a large population, but most of these have to come with the student. These are the things as parents we can foster: patience, a sense of empathy, how to listen and how to treat others with respect and compassion.

I am proud of my children, for their accomplishments, but more importantly for the people they are. They are the kind of people I would want to work for and with, the kind of people I can trust to make sound decisions about my future, the kind of people I would choose to spend time with. These are the things that matter, not what name is at the top of your college degree (or if you even have a college degree for that matter).