social mores

Don’t Blame Parents, We’re Living in a Helicopter Society

~ Kimberly Yavorski

an empty helicopter cockpit as viewed from in frontHelicopter Parents are blamed for stifling the growth of their children and creating a generation of young adults who struggle to deal with everyday tasks, resulting in the need for actual classes in “How to Adult.” I would argue that it’s not that simple. Parents alone are not to blame. We are living in a helicopter society. Families are not autonomous, especially not when both parents hold full-time jobs and rely on community supports to help care for their children.

People complain about how today’s children are unable to entertain themselves, that parents are overinvolved and families are overscheduled. This is all true, but what is the cause? Yes, parents often make all these plans, but families don’t exist in a vacuum. Some get caught up in the ripple effect. It is nearly impossible today to not overschedule your children when that’s exactly what other parents do. While children can sometimes engage in solitary play, it is not reasonable or healthy to ask them to always play solo. When their kids’ friends have things planned out weeks in advance, parents learn they need to do the same or find ways to occupy the kids themselves.  Even teens capable of making their own plans often need help to implement them, most often transportation.

Though all generations have faced criticism for their parenting styles, the current trend favors greater, almost constant supervision of children. Parents who allow their children the freedom to make their own decisions and learn lessons in a natural (cause and effect) way are criticized or even charged with child neglect. Many children don’t learn to be independent because they aren’t allowed to be independent. When simply leaving home unsupervised is seen as a danger, it is no wonder so many young adults have no idea what to do when they first set out on their own.

Not allowing kids to learn organically robs them of the confidence of knowing they can accomplish things on their own.  Years of having been told exactly what they need to do to get the “A” stifles creativity. Too many young adults have not learned effective problem-solving skills. What used to be a normal byproduct of education has become something that needs to be explicitly taught.

Change is always a constant, but the educational system of today is vastly different from the one I grew up in. In fact, things changed dramatically between my oldest and youngest, with only ten years between them. Things have gotten worse instead of better.

In some ways, more is demanded of students, especially in the younger years. Just 20 years ago kindergarten was for learning social skills and practicing motor skills. Today’s kindergarteners are pushed to learn to read and do math. Then, ironically, when they get to the hard stuff, they are coddled. Teachers hand out notes rather than teaching note-taking skills; they provide lists of resources rather than teaching students where to find information; students are sometimes given actual test questions in pre-test reviews. (This is not meant as a criticism of teachers. Today’s emphasis on testing, plus the additional learning that goes with advances in technology, leaves no time to teach these skills.) As interaction between teaching professionals is often limited to others who work with the same age level, many teachers are unaware of what or how their students have learned in the past. It is no wonder that college students are needy, nor that professors are baffled at the needs of those walking in their classrooms.

Parent portals that allow parents to see grades on a daily basis unnecessarily insert parents into the educational system. Many teachers expect parents to check the portal regularly; the parents who do not are seen as uninvolved and disinterested. The expectation is that parents will notice that Johnny hasn’t turned in this week’s assignments and will discipline accordingly, then look ahead and remind him about the project listed in the portal that is due next Tuesday. Some go so far as to require a signature affirming that Johnny’s homework has been checked each night. Parents desperate for their children to not fall behind may be tempted to “help” or even complete the assignments themselves.

This takes ownership away from kids. It is the students who should be held accountable for completing work and earning grades, not the parents. What happens when the student goes away to college? Students accustomed to receiving help or even the daily “Have you finished your homework?” may flounder, not knowing where or how to start.  This may contribute to the rising mental health crisis seen at so many colleges today. The problem is compounded as students don’t reach their potential: in college, there are no parent portals, no teacher conferences, and no emails to indicate there is a problem, so when the work doesn’t get done, everyone is surprised when the failing grades arrive.

Parents want to protect their children, but all this scheduled, pre-planned activity has created a generation that struggles to find its own identity. Real life doesn’t come with a syllabus, and there is no online scorecard to keep you aware of your progress.

While many complain, they ignore the fact that we have all become lazy and complacent.  Today it is common for people (including grown adults) to expect reminders of their commitments. Even a meeting regularly scheduled for the second Tuesday of each month can be forgotten or assumed cancelled when an email notification isn’t sent the day before. If grown adults can’t manage to show up at a scheduled meeting without a reminder, how can we expect our youth to do so?

 

What the World Needs Now Is More Kindness

~ Kimberly Yavorski ~ 4 Comments

Today is World Kindness Day. Begun by the World Kindness Movement (a coalition of organizations promoting kindness throughout the world) in 1998, the goal of the day is to promote a kinder world. Organizations and schools plan a variety of events such as handing out cards and flowers, organizing flashmobs or even a giant group hug. It is a day to set aside differences and unite in the common goal of being kind.

I don’t think the world has even been in more need of kindness than it is today. We need to look beyond ourselves. See all people as world citizens. Search for our commonalities. Let go of the past, not hold onto feuds, especially those between our ancestors. We need to be joiners, not dividers.

While setting aside a day to be kind, the goal should be to carry the concept over beyond the day. We need to make a conscious effort to not fall back in to the same patterns, but to continue to be kind. Is important that we see others as having equal value and potential.

Kind acts can be big or small. Some groups are planning large events such as handing out small gifts like candy or flowers to thousands of people, organizing a giant group hug or flash bob dance. Schools may participate by planning group activities involving service or donations or making note of good deeds performed. Those looking for organized efforts can contact a member organization of World Kindness USA, a non-profit organization works to support and encourage kindness in the United States through cooperation with organizations and community groups, local governments and even individuals.

Some suggestions to spread kindness today and every day:

  • smile at someone
  • give a sincere compliment
  • say hello
  • provide assistance or support
  • avoid gossiping, making negative comments
  • pay it forward (feed a meter, pay for the next person at the drive through or toll)
  • let someone go ahead of you in line
  • recognize good service (some companies reward employees  for customer comments)
  • send a “thinking of you” card
  • pick up trash
  • donate gently worn items you no longer need
  • forgive someone (or yourself)
  • visit sick or elderly who can’t get out

Whatever the method, the result is the same. Acts of kindness made people feel good, both the givers and the receivers. Kindness results in people feeling appreciated, understood and loved. Kind acts cost little, but can have great benefits. How are you going to be kind today?

Read the F*@%-ing Story Before You Leave a Comment

~ Kimberly Yavorski ~ 3 Comments

IMG_5414Sorry for the profanity, but “Read the Gosh Darn Story…” just wouldn’t get your attention. Headlines are meant to grab your attention and get you to react. After all, the best writing in the world is useless if no one reads it. While commenting on a story is your right, and in many cases is encouraged by the publisher, doing so indiscriminately can make you look bad, and people may judge you as being lazy, foolish or just plain ignorant. Taking things too far can even get you banned from your favorite social media sites.

If something you read touches you, or your immediate response is “Me too!” or for some reason you just love the story, by all means go ahead and comment. From a writer’s perspective, some days these morsels of praise are what keep us going.

It’s okay to set the record straight

On the flip side, if you disagree with something you’ve read and feel the need to say so, go ahead and comment, just remember that it is possible to respectfully disagree. Perhaps something the writer said has hit a nerve and you are offended. While it may be wise to first look at why you are offended and whether that is reasonable, go ahead and comment. If writers are thoughtless or cruel or have their facts wrong, this should be pointed out. Few writers are deliberately offensive and many will appreciate the comment, provided it is given in a polite, respectful manner.

People don’t always agree

Remember that opinion pieces are just that — opinions. Writers know that not everyone will share their opinion. Many welcome the opportunity to hear other opinions. All of us are deeply influenced by our own personal experiences and can learn much from the experiences of others. Again, respectfully disagreeing means your words are more likely to be heard.

Before you leave that comment, first read the piece. Headlines don’t tell all (and in some cases, they tell nothing). Realize that headlines are an editorial decision and in many cases are not chosen by or even run past the writer. The best headlines attract attention and reflect the essence of a story, but those headlines are increasingly rare. Even with a good headline, you don’t really know what the writer is saying without reading the story.

Do more than skim

Really read the story. If you feel strongly enough about the content that you must comment, it is not enough to merely skim. Many things can be lost when one reads quickly, skipping sections. While we are taught in school to make our main point in the first paragraph, that is not how stories are always written. There is also the chance that the story is not what is seems. Maybe it’s fiction (remember the debut of “War of the Worlds”) Sometimes writers use special literary techniques such as satire to make a point. Perhaps you and the writer fully agree on the issue, but the first paragraph made you too angry to get to the place in the piece that this is revealed. If this is the case, maybe you shouldn’t comment (at least not now, you can always go back and comment later). Perhaps it is a reported story and quotes someone. You can’t assume that the writer agrees with the speaker, though if you are reading the whole story, the writer’s opinion generally comes through in the rest of the piece. If you’ve read and understand the point made and feel the need to, go ahead and comment (if you don’t understand at all, that may also be a cause to comment). Again, be respectful.

Look at what others have said

Before you comment, read the other comments. If you have a question, it is likely someone else has asked it. This is a challenge if there are already hundreds of comments, but if it isn’t worth your while to at least skim these, is it worth your while to comment (and perhaps be called out for your lack of diligence)? This has the added benefit of seeing what happens to those who comment without reading the story.

Commenting can add value. Some stories benefit from active engagement. We all have something to share and more to learn. Reading the story before leaving a comment reduces the chance of looking ignorant, thoughtless or mean. It also enables you to make a meaningful contribution to the conversation. But please, first read the story and then, if you need to comment, be kind. Besides being the right thing to do, it’s more likely your voice will be heard. And isn’t that the point of commenting anyway?

I’m Tired of Hearing About Un-Common Courtesy

~ Kimberly Yavorski ~ 3 Comments

IMG_7477I regularly hear that my kids have good manners. People compliment me on how polite they are. Though I appreciate hearing good things about them, this always puzzles me. They are not doing anything special, they behave in a way that I would expect everyone to. They say please and thank you, hold the door for the next person (or open it for someone without a free hand) and wait their turn.

I have had store employees thank me for pausing a phone conversation to interact with them. (One even mentioned it had never happened before.) Why is this out of the ordinary? What has happened to our society? How did we become a society of individuals rather than a whole?

Every generation complains about the new one. Looking back, our parents and grandparents cited a lack of respect, a selfishness about the youth of the day. One can say that this is more of the same, but I am seeing it in older people as well. This lack of courtesy is not peculiar to teens and young adults. In fact, it is often worse in those who are old enough “to know better.”

Finger pointing and blaming is rampant. Someone else is to blame for everything. Few accept responsibility for their actions, least of all our authority figures and the media who report on them.

People react to bad news. They comment on stories they disagree with. Bad news, outrageous news, misleading news and headlines all create controversy and people make their opinions known. Think about this: When is the last time you commented on good news? When was the last time you told someone that they made a positive difference in your life? When did you last share a story celebrating someone else’s accomplishments? When did you last smile and exchange pleasantries with a stranger? When did you last comment on an act of kindness, acknowledging that you noticed and that it was appreciated?

We complain about the preponderance of bad news. Tragedy and scandal are the headlines. The positive stories get buried, if they run at all. Why? Because that is what we are asking for. We blame the media for creating controversy. These stories are successful only because people react to them. It is obvious that the way we are behaving is not working.

Let’s try something new. The next time something makes you feel good, tell someone about it. The next time you read something that makes you smile, that encourages you, share it. Tell people that their actions and words are making a difference. Look for the positive. Encourage kindness. We can’t escape all the evil and sadness in the world, but we don’t have to feed it.

What Are We So Afraid Of?

~ Kimberly Yavorski ~ 2 Comments

SCAN0130 gloomy

These days, people are afraid. Afraid for our safety, for our children’s safety, for our future, for the future of the planet. Today’s world is very different from that of just a couple decades ago. We have all had the conversation that starts, “Back when I was a kid…” This is often followed up with stories of independence, of playing outside, of parents being unaware of where we were and what we were up to. And then the regrets that it couldn’t be like this today. But why not?

Studies show that most places in the U.S. are safer today than ever. Violent crimes and child abductions are down (and it has always been true that few abductions are committed by random strangers). The FBI reports that the rate of violent crime from 1991 to 2010 was cut by almost half, with a further reduction of 6.9% from 2010 to 2014.

I grew up in the suburbs, where you needed a car to get to the most interesting places. There was a small strip mall with a convenience store that Mom would send me to when we ran out of milk, or we would go to get a candy bar, or kill some time browsing in the mom and pop pharmacy. We rode bikes, played in the park and traveled from yard to yard. From the time I was about 10, I frequently rode my bike to school a couple miles away from home. After school, I would head out, sometimes alone, exploring neighborhoods and meeting dogs and their owners, coming home when I got tired or it got dark, whichever came first. I doubt my parents ever worried about my safety or even gave much thought as to where I was during those few hours.

My own kids, as well as everyone else’s, freely roamed the couple blocks surrounding our house when they were young. They all knew to be within the sound of mom’s voice and heaven help them if they didn’t come home when called. (Full disclosure, they rarely went that far. One summer, our house was the place to be. One day I counted 15 kids in my yard.)When I think about how different things are today than 15-20 years ago, I ask myself if I would still let them go out to play, unsupervised. The answer is yes, except for the fact that today I might have a neighbor report me for child neglect or endangerment. (This strikes me as rather funny, because to some, I was an overprotective parent.) In the early 1990s, I let my children, in 3rd grade and kindergarten, walk the two blocks to school, alone. (If I stood on the sidewalk, I could see the crossing guard at the school corner.)

My neighborhood is no less safe today than it was then, but today, when you see kids walking to the ball field or to Rita’s they are usually accompanied by adults. Now it is rare to see children running down the street or hear their calls in a summer twilight game of manhunt. I am sure that some of this is due to an increased use of technology, but I think a big part of it is that parents have been convinced that it is not safe to let their kids go out to play.

I understand that some neighborhoods are not safe, but many still are. I am surprised every time I hear a parent say they wish their kids could go out to play. Why can’t they? I believe they still can, but they would have no one to play with since everyone else is afraid.

Why the change over a generation? Life is different now, even more so than it was for the prior generation. Instant news from around the world has us worrying that bad things are waiting on our doorstep. Television and film depict horrifying crimes, sometimes against children. Amber alerts sent to TVs and via texts add to our fears (even when these events are outside of our area). I also think that many new laws are creating more concerns. Did people worry about being molested in a department store bathroom before these laws put the idea in their heads?

Cell phones and their tracking apps make it easy to keep tabs on where your family is at all times. Is this necessary, or even healthy? Do these apps make people feel more secure, or worry more? Don’t we, as adults, have more interesting things to do with our time? Is there really any reason for us to be afraid?

Irresponsible Preaching and Irresponsible Journalism

~ Kimberly Yavorski

IMG_7430Today I am breaking rules. I am talking about politics and religion (okay, not exactly, but politics and religion are both tangentially related to my story). I believe in rules for the common good, but also in tolerance. People should be left to make their own decisions, as long as they are not harming others or infringing on others rights to live peacefully. I know that this is complicated and that people have differing ideas about what constitutes doing harm, which ends up causing so much discord in this world. I also think that we have the responsibility as adults to take a stand where we see injustice and call out those who claim to be working for the common good when it appears that they are instead working toward some hidden agenda.

What was reported

This morning I read an article that almost sparked a full blown rant. This story told of statements made by a certain politician’s “favorite pastor,”, about Girl Scout leaders. According to the report, he made a statement that Girl Scout leaders should be killed, that they should have “a millstone put around their necks“ and they should be “drowned in the sea.” The article further said that he later confirmed that he was being literal. Anyone who knows me realizes how these statements would set me off.

What kind of a person says that? How can a man of God actually endorse what is essentially random violence? He is condemning a group of people (mostly women) based solely on their dedication to the young girls in their community, some of whom sorely need the structure and benefits provided by the organization. An organization that I believe in, that fosters community, that builds good citizens, that encourages girls to do community service and to work with their own churches to earn religious medals which they can then wear proudly on their uniform.

Having been a Girl Scout leader for 15 years, I am particularly outraged. This is hatred, pure and simple and I as I have often told my children, hate is the work of the devil. No good can come out of hatred. Anger, which frequently goes along with hate can sometimes be used to motivate people to achieve a positive end, but not hatred. Hatred takes over, it is a black hole in one’s soul that grows and takes more and more from the person harboring it, until it spills over and hurts others as well. But the person who is hosting this evil is not immune. He or she will not gain from hate, hate only takes.

It is an unfortunate truth in our society that the same few people tend to be the ones who organize and run events. This means that the Girl Scout leader is likely to also be involved in the PTA and also be the Sunday School teacher. And this man, who supposedly shares the word of God, is allegedly telling people to eliminate these individuals.

Again, what kind of person does this?

I understand that people have their own beliefs and I am not one to force my own opinions and beliefs on anyone. I have a strong faith, in a kind, loving God, a father-figure who wants us to be the best people we can be. I am also a Christian, in the sense that I try to live my life as Jesus taught, with goodness and tolerance, lifting people up, not tearing them down.

I fear for our society that there exist people who feel the need to do otherwise and who are in a position of leadership that gives them the platform and prestige that causes otherwise sensible people to believe that this kind of behavior is okay.

What was really said

In the spirit of fairness, and responsible journalism, I tracked down said sermon and listened to what was actually said. I found that he did quote that particular Bible passage while talking about Girl Scouts, but not really in the context that was portrayed. His comment about the millstone was directed at those who would harm children and the implication was that Girl Scouts, through promoting abortion and contraception (note this is not true; this propaganda rises up every year and is disproven) is harmful. There was no statement, even implicit that all leaders should be punished. However, as he continued,  I found what followed to also be disturbing.

While this was not even mentioned in the sensationalistic article I read this morning, it is something that while not violent in nature, still has the potential to be harmful. He said that important values, based on scripture, could not be found in Girl Scouts, that looking at their website, there was no evidence that the organization upheld these values. While I think that the Girl Scout Law certainly does echo concepts promoted in the New Testament, the specific ones he is referring to certainly are not there, for good reason.

The Biblical ideals that he is looking for include these from 1 Timothy and Titus:

1 Timothy 2
9In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with braided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array; 10But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works. 11Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. 12But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. 13For Adam was first formed, then Eve. 14And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. 15Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety.

Titus 2
4That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, 5To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.

Wow. Is that really what we want to teach our daughters? To be silent, to not teach, to be subjected to a man, to be obedient? Now in full honesty, I don’t believe that is what Timothy or Titus is saying. If you read the text in its entirely, there are also guidelines for men’s behavior which include “a pattern of good works,” not being corrupt, being sincere, hospitable, patient, generous, etc.

However, here we have a “leader” telling people that girls should be obedient and implying that those who encourage them to do otherwise are encouraging them to ignore the teachings of the Bible and should be punished, severely. I think that by focusing on what the Bible “tells” young women to do without the corresponding directions for young men, some could infer that men do not have similar obligations, that men can do as they please, that only women have to behave honorably.

I don’t feel the need here to talk about how this doesn’t fit in with modern times, how life is very different today than it was 2000 years ago. The lives of women today are very different from centuries or even decades ago. Women of today are not silent and are also more educated and independent than in previous generations. This does not mean that there are not women of faith and good values. In fact, there are more women than ever in leadership positions in church life.

This further prompted me to revisit the Girl Scout website. There on their “about” page is their stated mission statement: “Girl Scouting builds girls of courage, confidence, and character, who make the world a better place.” There is also a section where Girl Scouts addresses faith: “Everything in Girl Scouting is based on the Girl Scout Promise and Law, which includes many of the principles and values common across religions. So while we are a secular organization, Girl Scouts has always encouraged girls to take spiritual journeys via their faiths’ religious recognitions.” Honestly, I am not finding anything here to condemn the organization.

This a la carte use of religion has the tendency to be divisive. Sensationalistic journalism compounds the problem. Is it simply that we are living in a world where since everyone is bombarded by images and soundbites all the time that no one really listens and pays attention anymore? Or are we simply too lazy to check facts and decide instead to believe the words someone else chooses to write (twisting the truth ever so slightly, either by mistake or design)?

I for one, want to believe in people. I want to find good in everyone. I don’t want to believe that people can be evil, that they can utter hateful things, that they can twist the truth or even outright lie. But sometimes they do, and someone has to stand up and call them on it.

Why Can’t We All Just Get Along?

~ Kimberly Yavorski ~ 4 Comments

SCAN0004In our house, this past weekend was full of politics. We spent part of Friday and much of Saturday watching the live stream of Washington and Lee University’s Mock Republican Convention. The school has a long-standing tradition of every four years holding a mock convention for the party which is not currently in the White House. This is very involved and is research-based, culminating in the “convention” with the expected pomp and swagger. The school overall has a good track record, predicting the nominee correctly 19 times out of 25.

Overall, I think it was a wonderful experience for the students who got a glimpse of our political process and how it works. There was an impressive lineup of speakers, which included Dick Cheney and Newt Gingrich, as well as Grover Norquist, Ed Gillespie, Ann Coulter, and KY Governor Matt Bevin. These speakers imparted their wisdom to the students and, once they were done getting in their partisan sound bites, most of them gave some very good life advice.

They told students to be innovative, to use technology to improve the common good, to think, to work to make the world better, to not be sheep, but rather shepherds, to be leaders. I think these are all things that we can stand behind and show that we do have things in common. The speakers that were best received by the mostly student audience (who by the way were not all Republicans) were those with a positive message.

It was interesting to observe the mock process and to watch the reactions of the students to the speakers and to the vote that followed. I am sure the event sparked animated conversations at the post-convention celebrations. From conversations with people associated with the university, (and comments made by speakers who are also alums) I have learned that this event is one of the things most remembered by students in their four years there.

Later Saturday was yet another Republican Presidential Debate. I have not watched all of the prior ones (in fact this is the only debate I watched in its entirely on either side), but this one did strike me as particularly argumentative and personal. I guess as the primaries occur and things heat up, this is frequently the case. I think it was notable that one candidate pointed out that the high level of negativity was likely to bring the party down as a whole.

Personally, I am getting weary of politics today. The rhetoric is only serving to make the US more polarized. There is too much talk of us versus them. I worry that the current political season is too angry. Recent years have seen politicians talking about defeating people, not policies. Right now, there is discord about approving the appointment of a new Supreme Court justice, even before anyone has even been proposed to fill the position. Taking politics out of this, should our country go a year without a fully working branch of government?

When I look at what is discussed at presidential debates I have to shake my head. I grew up believing I live in the best country in the world, one based on tolerance and respect. A country where anyone could rise to be and do anything (though in practice, until recently only wealthy white men were elected to the highest positions of power). Today I see people vying to be the leader of this great country who are talking about who people decide to love and marry and who will make decisions about personal medical decisions as if these are the issues of greatest import in this world. I am hearing people who may soon lead the free world talk about fellow world citizens in a condescending, even rude manner. I am hearing people throw phrases like “Pro-abortion” around (really, is there anyone who is advocating for more abortions?).

We live in a world of labels, but there is no one-size-fits-all label for anyone. I have friends who are on polar opposite sides of the political realm. When you look deeper, this opposite-ness really only pertains to some issues. When I witness heated discussions about political issues, people hissingly call each other liberals or conservatives as if each is inherently bad. On a n individual policy level though, there is often some agreement. Not all conservatives agree on all issues traditionally espoused by the conservative movement, likewise, not all liberals want to see the same policies enacted. In fact, most people I know cross “party lines” on at least one issue supposedly of great importance to the side they more closely identify with, ideologically speaking.

What sort of example are we setting, for our children and for the rest of the world? Those of us who come from families with a long history in this country have ancestors who came here for a better life. Some were escaping a bad situation, others were adventurous and ambitious. Our ancestors did not agree on everything, yet they found common ground and found ways to coexist and build communities together. Yes, in many cases we have been a nation of neighborhoods, where like-minded people found each other and lived near each other, continuing long-held traditions and establishing new ones. Yes, there has been conflict between them, sometimes violent, but in the past we have had leaders who have stepped up to help find the common ground, to find a way to get along, to get past our differences.

I think we are looking at this process all wrong. Pointing out our differences is not working. Name calling is not working. Standing firmly to party lines is not working. We should be doing more listening, searching for common ground, seeking out what we AGREE on. I think many will find that there is more there than they think. Working together is how we can make America great again. I only fear that this realization may come too late.